The therapy diaries – The final session.


Hey there! So, this is going to be my last post in my therapy diaries series for a while, because today i had my last session until my follow up in a few months. Ive been really scared knowing this was coming, because i have come a really long way since September but facing the very real reality that it could all just fall down around me without the support of seeing a therapist, its been sitting in the back of my head for a while now that it was almost the end.

But, sat talking to her i actually felt very positive, its something ive found since day one that she has a very positive effect on me, 9 times out of 10 ive come out from therapy happy and feeling really positive so im not surprised she helped me feel better about everything

we talked about how the last 2 weeks have been and then went over what im taking away from therapy, and i really am taking away a lot.

When i met her at the very end of august, she met a girl drowning, so reached in and pulled me out, and gave me a chance to learn how to walk on the surface again. For years, ive been just under the surface fighting tooth & nail to reach the surface, ive managed to break the surface every now and then for a breather before it would begin all over again. But when freya met me i had finally given up, i couldnt keep fighting a fight that felt impossible anymore, so i was letting myself drown, and she reached in and made it so that i was comfortably on the surface for the first time in years.

when i  went to my first session she challenged me. She challenged the thoughts i had always taken as gospel, she challenged the way i saw my world, and most importantly she challenged the fact that i was there, if i had completely given up, why was i turning up to therapy?

And that worked, i had never been challenged before in the right way, and she did it without hatred or discourse but tactfully. We took weeks working on why i wanted to get better in the first place, and getting me to a place where i could with a lot of help make a list of goals for myself.

And the goals i made were –

Reducing self criticism – tick
Getting out more often & regularly – tick
Becoming more independent when im out – tick
start getting out on mondays – tick
see my nan on fridays – tick
become less scared of change – tick
Begin to like myself – tick

All of these where not made with the thought that i would actually manage them! but i have actually managed to do all of them, and to think i was so terrified of setting them because i thought i wouldn’t manage them.

In fact, i have become so ok with goals now, that under my own steam i made and wrote down 2019 goals. Massive, for someone whos scared of what her future holds.

Over the past few months, we have worked on so much but the underlining current was me. It was no longer ok if i did things because of or for other people, it had to be for me, it was no longer ok to hate myself because i should like me, i had to learn to stop bullying me, and i had to learn that i was aloud to work towards being the me i want to be.

I have a follow up with her in June, and i cant believe im going to type this but i cant wait to see what i can do to tell her.

I have spent my 20s and most of my teens broken, drowning in the sea that is mental illness. But maybe just maybe, i dont have to live the rest of my life that way.

Im finally going in the right direction.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – A Positive Out look.


Hey there! so i haven’t done an update on therapy in a little while, so i thought now was as good a time as any to let you know how its going. So at the time of writing i got back from therapy a couple of hours ago, im on the last 3 sessions i have with her now, so we have split them up over 6 weeks and this was the first one with a two week gap in between.

I had a lot happen over these 2 weeks, i found out that asking for my benefits being taken down to be reconsidered had been declined, friendship troubles & trying to nurse a poorly guinea pig back to health who sadly lost his fight, it wasn’t a quiet 2 weeks!

But we also spoke a lot about how i am slowly understanding and accepting that recovery in the end can only be something you do for yourself and im also beginning to want to do it for myself too. When i met my therapist i had basically given up, i didnt think i had any other chance any more but thanks too my therapist, i found hope again.

I found a reason to fight, and for once it wasn’t in someone else, for once it was for me, i wasn’t fighting for anyone else but myself and my therapist had pushed me in the direction to do so. And now, i still feel that way, i want to recover, i want to get better but i want to do it for myself, of course other people come into my thinking but mainly its for me and what i want. And thats how it should be, i should be recovering for myself, because after all i have to put in all the hard work!

So therapy is really positive at the moment, we have been doing positive qualities diaries and ive actually managed to think of positive qualities that i think i have myself now, and im not just going by what other people tell me.

And being able to write these down, actually started with the guinea pig i mentioned above. My mum works in a primary school, and they have guinea pigs and one of them got very poorly so myself and my mum gave him the best chance we could and syringe fed him every hours for most of a day. Sadly, he didnt make it but doing this made me think something.

Regardless of the human or the creature, if they need me i will help, a bumble bee or a great white shark, my best friend or my school bully if they need someone i will always be willing to help. And it was then that i knew what my first positive quality trait was, and that i also knew that little marmite had taught me a valuable lesson.

So even with a lot of things happening, im feeling really positive right now and thats, well thats lovely.

I hope it sticks.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – me before you.


Hey there! so this weeks therapy session i knew was going to be a bit jam packed because i had an awful lot to tell her! and that means, an awful lot to tell you.

So, next week there wont be a therapy diary because i got a letter on Saturday with an appointment for an assessment for my benefits. It wasn’t expected because i had one barely a year ago but yet here we go again! and of course its on a Thursday at the same time i would have therapy. Its very important i go to the assessment, so i have to miss therapy sadly! but you know, needs must.

Last friday i went over my Nans for the first time in ages, its going to be a regular once a week thing (with my mum) and it was really nice. It was nice to chat to her, and just hang out basically with another human being! i love my internet friends, but seeing someone face to face is important.

After my benefit letter on Saturday my automatic response was to panic, and not want to continue getting better at all. I didn’t want to go to therapy etc i just wanted to hide because i knew that any sign of improvement would be taken negatively against me in the assessment. But i fought past that, i didn’t want to be controlled but them so instead seeing as i had done so well i asked mum if we could go to costa on Monday.

And we did! it was without a doubt the worst anxiety day ive had for months, but i did manage it all the same, just about. I then also had the doctors on Tuesday, after my situation that i spoke about here i needed to get a second opinion, and thankfully this time i was listened too! hes looking into referring me to a sleep clinic and i should hear in a few days.

So with all this i had a lot to tell her!

My homework for this week had been to work on the rules and assumptions we had spoken about and add to them if i could. I was able to add one to the mix, and it turned out to be really important because it looks like the reason why i always put myself before anyone else and that im very protective.

She showed me the pacman theory today because i have been struggling with my self-esteem and thoughts of myself she wanted to show me this.

So the pacman theory is this, imagine a pacman –


Pacman here is a negative thought.

And this slice is negative reinforcement, something that fits very easily into the negative thought.


But this rectangle here is a positive reinforcement, something that doesn’t fit with the negative thought.

So instead, we either completely disregard the positive reinforcement or we distort the positive reinforcement to fit the negative thought.

So instead, we need to work so that instead of the negative thought we can create someone willing to take on positive thoughts instead.

It made an awful lot of sense to me, and its something i really hope i can work on and get better with.

So there you have it, ill have a different post for you next week instead of the therapy diary!

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – I wont give up.


Hey there! so first off, im sorry there wasn’t a therapy diaries last week, my mums car thought that just when i start getting out more would be the perfect moment to break down. So i wasn’t able to go to therapy annoyingly,thankfully all is sorted now!

Anyway, i went in today feeling a bit worried because i hadn’t done my “homework” the work she had set for me beforehand. And honestly that had been part avoidance and part just pure forgetfulness! im not forgetful normally but we all have those moments, and yes she did tell me off a little bit but i completely deserved that one!

Today we spoke about how i had felt the past couple of weeks, i explained how i had been pretty good but this past weekend i had struggled quite a bit.

See i suffer pretty heavily and quite often with loneliness, thing is that i have friends, but they are scattered all over the world and also due to my mental illnesses and such seeing anyone is tough.

The saying “you can feel like the loneliest person in the world in a room full of people” is very true. I love my friends, but i haven’t seen a friend in the flesh so to speak in 4 years. And us humans are at the base of it social creatures, we need social interaction we need that connection, and though i get some of that through voice and text online i dont get that connection that you only get when the person is in the same room. I miss it, i that feeling and i well i want it back.

We established that those moments, especially this past weekend sound more depression driven than anxiety. Which, im not overly surprised about, i have anxiety induced depression and have done for many years anyway.

We looked at the goals i need to make smart a bit, and that was the homework i didnt do. We worked at it a bit and then its again my homework, we worked on my goal of liking myself more and we have broke it down to treating myself more like i treat others in 3 months time. Well, at least being better at doing that!

The rest of the session (these sessions go so fast) we went through my pros of changing, cons of changing, pros of staying the same, cons of staying the same. The pros of course completely outweighed the cons, by a tonne, and the cons…there not worth it.

I really do feel like ive found my spark again lately, i dont feel quite as hopeless as i did. Right now as im writing this on Thursday night i feel, well better than i have in a while honestly.

Last week when i couldn’t go to therapy, i felt sad, i wanted to go. I even said to my mum, but i want to go. That alone is such a massive step, it shows that i have my fight back, and even though im scared etc im really determined that this time is it. This is the big difference i am going to make, and in the end ill get the life i want.

Because i really need to recover.

And, i want too.

Cath x