Emotionally Broken – Stretched too thin.


It can be really frustrating to really struggle to not sound happy when i write you know that? even just my normal greeting in blog posts “hey there” sounds happy.

But i dont want to sound happy in this post, i want to sound real, and i want to be real and raw with everyone right now because ive never been too good at hiding my feelings. I have felt stretched really thin lately, i have felt as if im giving 100% of myself to so many different things at this point that its only a matter of time before i break. And the thing is i have been asking for help, i have given in and said ok other people take some of this off me…but it hasnt really happened.

So ive continued going along as i have been, and im just currently waiting for the dam to break. Recovery is tough, and since i finished therapy i have felt this overwhelming pressure to continue improving and pushing myself and this pressure to not struggle or be sad, as if a slight break means disaster. Im very conscious of everyone watching me, im conscious of the pressure to get better from family, friends and just the world in general. Im also very conscious of the fact that the whole way through this journey with therapy it has felt like my last chance, and i continue to feel this way and that terrifies me, if i slip too much at any point, thats it…too many years have i been like this, and it takes years to recover, i feel like if i have a big slip thats just going to be the end, and i know it doesn’t work like that, but maybe i am right? maybe this is the last chance i have to get better, and that is very scary.

It feels like im drowning right now, and the frustrating thing is that i feel like im shouting, that im screaming from the rooftops that this is too much! i need help! i need people! and it falls on deaf ears.

I wasn’t going to write this blog post originally, feeling like i was being attention seeking or silly but in the end, i write this blog to help others, i want to make sure no one feels alone, and part of that is being honest when im not doing very well. I suppose the biggest difference between right now, and when i would have a bad moment before therapy, is that i am not just giving in and letting everything and everyone overtake and overwhelm me, im still fighting even when it feels almost impossible at this point.

I feel like i slipped under the surface again, but this time im going to continue fighting to break the surface, because i just cant give up this time.

Im not giving up on myself again.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – the fear of the end.

Hey there! so in 3 weeks time my therapy comes to a end, i got 16 sessions and ive almost had them all. And, i am really bloody scared for it to come to an end.

Ive had cbt therapy before, and i did really well and improved a lot while i was in therapy and then within 2 months i started going backwards and very quickly i was back to square one.

Ive improved a lot since i started therapy in september, and im really scared that it will all go to shit again. When i started therapy, i had basically completely given up all hope on ever getting better, on ever improving again and my therapist gave me the kick up the ass basically that i needed too start trying again.

I have done so well, i know i have but because of this i am terrified that i cant continue it if im not going to therapy weekly. I hate how you just get dropped like this, im going to have to fend for myself so to speak and im really worried i cant.

I expressed this to my therapist last week and when i left the session i felt as if you know maybe she is right and i could manage it by myself. I have the tools, i know what im doing right? but in the days since then, it all feels way too much, and im so worried this isnt going to work out.

Ever since i started therapy it has felt like this was my last chance, i dont feel like i can have another chance to get better. I feel like i cant do this again, recovery is so much, and im barely into what is years of work and i know that i just cant repeat this all over again. But that is also even scarier than normal, because if i do fail, thats it.

I feel so completely overwhelmed right now, i really wanna just hide away forever! maybe everything will be ok, but it doesnt feel like it will be right now.

Therapy is great, but no one talks about when you have to leave it!

Cath x