Anyone with mental illness will tell you, theres been a point when they have just wanted to let the illness win and give up. They havent been able to see any light at the end of the tunnel, no spark of hope and they just dont have the fight left. Yet, they have continued fighting all the same, that little spark showing its light once more.
I feel like im in limbo at the moment, i feel so completely stuck and it completely sucks. But it just hit me like a tonne of bricks, that even though i feel stuck, theres this different feeling too it now as well.
im pissed off!
it angers me, it fustrates me, im not just laying down and letting mental illness walk all over me. It can feel like i am, and it can look like i am, but im not because i havent said ok, you win. Im still fighting back, in fact over the past two years i really have got my fight back, i want to live a better life and i will do what i have too to get it.
Part of this is the carrot on a stick effect, i have friends now, from all over the world and i see them doing things and it makes me want those things too. And, it makes me want to meet them, knowing them online is awesome of course, but its been a very long time since ive had friends in “real life” and that, well that would mean everything, to just feel like a normal 20 something for once.
And, i keep fighting for the future i want. Ever since i was a little girl ive wanted to be a mum, its always been a big thing that ive wanted in my life for as long as i can remember and i will fight to be a mother one day. I also would like to be a foster mum one day, theres so many children out there who need a mum but for many reasons dont have one, i want to help them.
But i cant do any of this if i dont help myself first, and its fucking hard, it really bloody is but i will not be giving up. I am fully armoured and ready to face these motherfuckers face on, ive been doing it for years now and they are yet to win. And they wont.
If your in this situation, if you feel like giving up, find something, is it a job you want in the future? do you want children? do you want to travel? do you just want to be happy?
Find it, grab onto it and keep that spark close, our sparks can not go out if we dont let them. And if you find your spark is fading and you just cant anymore, reach out! there are so many of us all with a spark too, willing to help everyones shine bright.
Sparkle, your meant to shine.