Emotionally Broken – Because i dont have a chance.


Hey there! so i haven’t done a emotionally broken post in a while, but ive had some stuff on my mind lately that i wanted to write about.

I am a big fan and follower of critical role, a dnd twitch stream that is basically amazing. The weekend just gone in LA they had a critical role art show & live show, the whole weekend looked completely amazing. And even though it wouldn’t be realistic to think that i could go to that even if i was well & recovered, i still felt very jealous.

And i tend to feel this every time something like this pops up, comic cons and live events, gigs etc i get jealous. I stalk the pictures and the tweets and make it worse for myself, soaking it up beating myself up for something that is so far from my reach.

And yesterday i was thinking, why do i do this? with something like the LA shows, even if i was recovered and well its not realistic to think i could go to something like that, its across the world and of course money is always a factor!

But i dont think that is the point really, its because regardless of anything else, i dont have a chance to begin with. Theres no “oh i wish i lived closer!” or “if i had the money”, mines more “going to tescos 10 minutes away takes 3 days of prep and 2 days of recovery, LA is like going to the moon for me”.

The fact that i couldn’t have that, that regardless of anything else i cant go to shows, gigs, cons, i cant meet up with friends or go out to dinner, i cant even go to supermarkets or go for a walk to the park.

I dont even have the chance, and thats what really gets me.

Soo many people have told me over the years that you never know what peoples lives are really like, that i should never be jealous, but without really meaning too i am. Because it doesn’t always matter about the life i dont see, they are still getting something i dont have the chance at.

Thats enough.

And then of course the guilt kicks in, i dont want to be jealous, of course id rather be happy with what i have, but im not and that sucks. I mean of course its not abnormal to be unhappy with what you have, but it doesn’t make it suck any less.

But, of course you have to find ways to get through these things, so i tell myself that one day i will get what i want, and i will be able to go to gig and cons and see friends and live life.

Its the only thing you can do, and sometimes it can feel like im feeding myself the biggest lie. But i need it to keep going, so i keep going, with the hope that one day i wont stare at my phone wishing i was there, but i will stare at pictures a few days later smiling because it was, that i actually had the chance.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Learning how to stand up for yourself.

Hey, so for me one of my biggest issues that ive had through out my entire life honestly is that i can be quite the push over. I will always put everyone else first and saying no to someone has never been on the top of my skills list! When nasty people have come my way i tend to just take it and let it happen, never standing up and saying any different. Ive had many bad friendships in the past because i tend to never have enough strength i suppose to move on from bad relationships.

But over the past few years ive slowly began to get it a bit better, and now a days im much better at it than i used to be! i still tend to put everyone first, and i still struggle with saying no but im not walked over as much as i used too be.

And honestly? the biggest thing that has helped this is finding good friends and people that want to build me up, not down. I had become so used to knowing people that weren’t good for me it actually has taken me a long time to believe people and i still dont always fully believe it when my friends say nice things about me! Its not easy after you have spent most of your life being ok with your friends being your bullies.

Now, i have friends that have completely got my back, and having that kind of support does make it easier to tell the nastier people to fuck off! Another thing thats helped is running a group, i run a guild in world of warcraft (yes, my nerd is showing) and because of this you do have to be willing to tell people were to go sometimes. People need me to keep the group a safe happy place, you dont get that by being a doormat!

I have felt these days a new found attitude, now dont get me wrong im not suddenly a diva but ive found an attitude i really enjoy! a good example would be the other day, we kept getting these fake phonecalls from BT (we are not with them!) saying there was something wrong with our internet connection. I knew this wasnt true what so ever, but they kept phoning and after my mum answered the phone to them for the 3rd time in 5 minutes i asked her to hand the phone over and i said to them “our line is fine, i know your bullshitting us and if you dont stop phoning us i will call the police” just as i hung up i heard the person on the phone go “ok mam goodbye!”, safe to say they never phoned back!

I would of never have done that even a few months ago, im finding my oompf thats for sure and its a good feeling, it only took me 26 years! but it really does show how very important a good strong support system is. And of course ive had my family but thats different because family is your comfort zone, they dont really tend to push you forward were as the right kind of friends do.

It doesnt mean im perfect, standing up for myself tends to include a lot of stuttering, tears and chocolate but im much better than i used to be and the attitude ive developed to be honest is fun! and it hasnt got me in trouble….yet.

So if your like me, have a look at your life and figure out what is making you keep your mouth shut. Is it a past problem? family? friends? figure it out and sort it out, and then work on knowing when to say no! trust me, its worth it.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Is there a time limit?

Me in a much happier place on my 18th birthday.

Hey! So on the 14th of august i turn 26, and well this is always difficult for me. Ever since i was signed off from work 6 years ago my birthdays have always been so tough to deal with because it meant i was another year older and things were not any better for me.

And now, im 6 years on and my life doesn’t look any better, it looks different but not in a good way.

And of course, im in my mid-twenties now so i have hit that age were everyone else around my age are doing the moving in/buying houses/marrying/babies thing and honestly i dont use facebook much anymore because i just cant bare to see it much anymore.

I always said to myself that i wanted to have children before i was 30, but that is sadly a distant dream now. By this point in my life i wanted to be settled in a job, to have a partner, not be living at home etc but i dont have any of that. But is this silly? putting a time limit on myself?

The rational part of me says that putting a time limit on this kind of thing is silly. That you cant always control these things in life and sometimes you just have to try your best and things will happen when they are meant too.

The anxiety ridden part of me (which lets face it, is %99 of me) believes that at this point, i likely will not get at least some of the things in life that were very important to me. I’ve already lost 6 years, so what else will this take? it does feel like it will take everything else that i dont even have yet, but i want.

I’ve thought about it, what if i hadn’t found myself in this situation? would i have a partner now? Most likely, theres been a number of people i would of likely hit it off with had i been able to take it beyond a dating site. Would i have moved out? hopefully, you never know with money but i think so! And of course, would i be thinking about children yet? Yes, i know i would be, because i think about them and wish i could at least have the option now let alone if i was actually in a good enough place to have them.

I know, I know that thinking this way is a bad idea, i know that i shouldn’t be so concerned with what i always wanted my life to be. Ive seen the facebook posts, the “at 29 JK Rowling was a single mum about to be homeless”, I know that things can change on a whim, that good things can happen to you at any time in life, but just near my birthday i just dont always feel that way.

If im being honest, thats part of the reason as to why i started blogging again because i wanted something that could grow with me hopefully, and something that i could watch grow. I needed something more, and though this does mean ive put more on my plate its nice because im never thinking what should i do, and that is always dangerous!

So i think the answer to if theres a time limit is, it feels like there is, but i know that however it may feel, i have as much time as i want to have the things in life i want.

I can have my happy ending, i just have to believe that.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Hold onto your spark.

Its very easy to give up.

Anyone with mental illness will tell you, theres been a point when they have just wanted to let the illness win and give up. They havent been able to see any light at the end of the tunnel, no spark of hope and they just dont have the fight left. Yet, they have continued fighting all the same, that little spark showing its light once more.

I feel like im in limbo at the moment, i feel so completely stuck and it completely sucks. But it just hit me like a tonne of bricks, that even though i feel stuck, theres this different feeling too it now as well.

im pissed off!

it angers me, it fustrates me, im not just laying down and letting mental illness walk all over me. It can feel like i am, and it can look like i am, but im not because i havent said ok, you win. Im still fighting back, in fact over the past two years i really have got my fight back, i want to live a better life and i will do what i have too to get it.

Part of this is the carrot on a stick effect, i have friends now, from all over the world and i see them doing things and it makes me want those things too. And, it makes me want to meet them, knowing them online is awesome of course, but its been a very long time since ive had friends in “real life” and that, well that would mean everything, to just feel like a normal 20 something for once.

And, i keep fighting for the future i want. Ever since i was a little girl ive wanted to be a mum, its always been a big thing that ive wanted in my life for as long as i can remember and i will fight to be a mother one day. I also would like to be a foster mum one day, theres so many children out there who need a mum but for many reasons dont have one, i want to help them.

But i cant do any of this if i dont help myself first, and its fucking hard, it really bloody is but i will not be giving up. I am fully armoured and ready to face these motherfuckers face on, ive been doing it for years now and they are yet to win. And they wont.

If your in this situation, if you feel like giving up, find something, is it a job you want in the future? do you want children? do you want to travel? do you just want to be happy?

Find it, grab onto it and keep that spark close, our sparks can not go out if we dont let them. And if you find your spark is fading and you just cant anymore, reach out! there are so many of us all with a spark too, willing to help everyones shine bright.

Sparkle, your meant to shine.

Cath x