The Therapy Diaries – Confronting my hatred.


Hey there! So this week, i left therapy not feeling quite as on top of the world as i normally do. Now dont get me wrong, therapy went great but today’s session was the first session that was on the heavier side, and i left not feeling sad or anything, just thinking, and feeling like i had a lot to think about.

We worked on breaking things down, basically we start with life experiences when your a child, because so many of our life rules and beliefs start there.

I have a rather long list of these learnt behaviours, but we quickly found that a lot of them surround the idea of not being worth anything/not being good enough and not doing things at the level i should. Basically, they all come back to low self-esteem.

Each one had that same kind of theme, not perfect enough/not pretty enough/not worth enough/ not me enough it continued, on and on.

I know this is silly, i know its pretty damn obvious but…do i really hate myself that much?

Seeing it laid out on paper, it was scary, its one thing knowing how you feel about yourself but its another actually seeing it all worked out and written down. There in black and white was proof that i didn’t like myself, it wasn’t just something “in my head” it wasn’t fake or attention seeking, it was 100% true and my therapist was agreeing.

I watched an interview this morning about a voice actor who i am a big fan of, and he spoke very openly about having body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphic disorder is widely thought to only effect people with an eating disorder but it can effect anyone. However i do have an eating disorder, not that anyone knows what to call it! Basically BDD is continuous worrying about flaws on your body that no one can see, its seeing yourself in a light that no one else does.

Low self-esteem and BDD, thats a fun combo isn’t it?

I didn’t know getting into this topic would hit me as hard as it as, but its got under my skin quite a bit. Its silly, because ive known this about myself for years, but maybe its finally sunk in.

The night before therapy i was upset about my performance in the game that i play, and a friend was able to help me through it but that knocked me too. It was only recently that i learnt the term “imposter syndrome”, but once i learnt it i figured out that i feel like that so much. And it came tumbling out to my friend, when full of emotion i squeaked out that i felt like a fraud.

I post a makeup look and the positive comments come tumbling in, and that feels amazing but in the back of my head its continuously reminding me that im a fraud. How? no idea, considering i do the makeup myself, i take the pictures myself and then i upload them with the only editing being turning them the right way or cropping. But yet still, i feel like i dont deserve the nice comments.

I throw myself into everything i do, generally to the point of burn out or just stupid business. But i dont know how not too, because to me thats the only way i can be remotely, enough.

And ive just noticed i started going on a ramble, but i suppose i needed it. I wasnt really sure how to start writing today, but this is what its turned into! thats ok, as much as i hope these posts help others, it is also a virtual diary for me to look back on and hopefully see how far ive come one day. I hope so, anyway.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – If Only I Was Ok.


Hey, so im sure from the name of my blog gave it away but i will regularly talk about mental health on my little blog here. Sometimes it may be something happening with me (like todays post) and sometimes it may be more general. Im calling this series emotionally broken, ive called mental health series that for a while now and it just makes sense!

So, I personally have suffered with mental Illness since i was 11 years old, currently i have severe generalised anxiety disorder, depression, agoraphobia and abnormal eating disorder. yep, quite the list!

Today, i wanted to talk about what ive been feeling over the past few days because i have been feeling many, many things and its a lot.

Its all been brought on because a few friends of mine that i have known for about 2 years are all meeting at a event tomorrow and well, i for obvious reasons am not there and it quite honestly? is fucking killing me.

Ive wanted to go to this event since the first one 3 years ago, The first one i watched via the steam (its a gamer event) feeling a mix of happiness and just…i dont know how to describe it. Because its not exactly jealously, i am so very happy for my friends, but i wish with every single part of me that i was there too.

6 years ago i was signed off from my job at the time, and since then my mental and physical health as just plummeted. Ive found ways to still have things in my life, the internet is my complete saviour but its just not the same.

I dont have a life, i dont live, i exist and god id give anything for that not to be the case. Id give everything just to have a normal day, take my problems for a day, let me have that 1 day and ill have them back for the rest of my life, thats fine ill take it. But it doesnt work like that, i cant do that.

Every event, every wedding, every baby, every good grade, every hoilday, hell every walk in the park i see someone do on social media i always think, “why cant i do that”.

i try, i try very hard to get better & good grief do i try my best to stay positive but sometimes? sometimes i just cant be anymore, sometimes like now, i just want to be a normal 25 year old, and live my life as i want too.

Im sorry for the way this post as gone, i didnt mean to get so emotional! but im not removing it, this is something i want to make sure gets out there, the truest rawest side of mental illness. Because it isnt pretty, it isnt nice and one thing is for sure, it isnt shown enough in its true form.

so welcome to emotionally broken, it wont be very happy, but it will be real.

Cath x

Picture used is not mine.