Emotionally Broken – The past shapes us, and thats ok.


Hey there! so i had a dream the other night, and it got me thinking. I dreamt that we had invented time travel (bare with me here), and we could go back to any time period in our lives that we wanted too and would be our previous selves but with the knowledge we had now, and could change anything that we wanted too in that time period as long as we understood it would change our future. So i time travelled back to when i was 15, i was seeing all this as if i was watching a movie basically but sometimes i felt like i was the me i could see….dreams are so weird!

Anyway, as soon as i went back into my 15 year old self i made a tonne of changes, i started loosing weight as soon as i could, i dropped the toxic friends, stopped being obsessive and clingy with some other friends and spent more time with the friends i knew were good people. I went back to the specialist education centre i was under and finished my schooling there, getting more, better GCSEs. I changed my style, hair & makeup to suit what i wanted, using the skills i had taken with me to skip the embarrassing stages! I did the college course i started at 16, still at home but i threw all of my effort in.

I saw all of this in like a snippet almost montage like way, seeing myself in situations i hate how i acted acting correctly and fixing mistakes. Has i grew up, i lost the weight and kept it off, i got my first job but i didn’t make any of the mistakes i made there, i learnt to drive, i got a boyfriend, because i could drive i didn’t have to leave the first job i had and i got a full time job there.

And then, when i hit 20 i came back to the future, the future i had fixed right?

And i came back to 26 year old me, fat, unable to work, riddled with mental illness and very single.

The last thing i heard before i woke up was a voice, no idea whos saying “you cant change the past”.

And they are right.

This dream has been on my mind all day, you see ive had the “would you change the past if you could” chat a number of times, and though i would of gladly changed it as a teenager, as an adult for years now ive always said that everything that happens in your life is a lesson you are meant to learn, the past shapes you so no i wouldn’t want to change it.

And thats the thing, in my dream i corrected so many tiny little mistakes that have stayed with me for so long. But those tiny mistakes? they are what shape us, the embarrassing memories and awkward moments, all of these are lessons no matter how small.

And so was the big things, the loosing weight earlier than what i did and keeping it off, the learning to drive, the school choices, friend choices and everything else in between all shaped me into who i am today.

Im not immune to wishing i could change things, and the dream proves that its in my head at least. But as the dream showed, it isnt what is important in the long run.

Because the thing is, if i hadn’t gone through these things i wouldn’t be who i am, and though it is a big work in progress i am beginning to not mind the person behind the mess. And of course, without the past, i wouldn’t have the things i love in my life too.

The dream was a reminder to me that the past is important, and while you shouldn’t live in the past (though the dream ran with that) it shapes you, and you cant and shouldn’t change it.

Cath x