100 posts.

Hey there! so this post is my 100th post on this blog, mad right? I made this blog in july of last year, finally choosing to come back to blogging after a 4 year break away from it. I had forgotten for sure how tough blogging can be, but i very much enjoy it too! for my 100th post, i thought i would do a round up of some of my notable posts and other little random bits of information.

since July paint the face of anxiety has been viewed 2,973 times.

100 posts have a total of 43 comments.

8 of the 100 posts are makeup looks.

9 are in my emotionally broken series.

43 comments have been left on various posts.

My first post was posted on the 13th of July 2018 and it was a look based on the bisexual pride flag.

Continuing the pride looks i did a look for LGBTQ+ pride overall, taking over 3 hours to draw on by hand.


On the 14th of august 2018 i turned 26 and i posted 26 things i had learnt in 26 years.

My first post in my emotionally broken series was posted on the 18th of july 2018, letting everyone into the mess in my head.

I got my first pr sample in the form of the mask time subscription box
on the 16th of august 2018, many squeals happened!

I posted my first post in my therapy diaries series on the 28th of September 2018, the day after i started therapy.

I wrote & published my very first sponsored post on the 6th of November 2018 about movies that mean christmas to me.

On the 4th of December i posted my haul from the first time i got involved in black Friday, i very much enjoyed myself!

On the 28th of December i showed you what i got for christmas and talked about the first christmas i had enjoyed in years.

On the 7th of January i talked about the fear of therapy coming to an end, the fear of my progress going backwards.

On the 24th of February i talked about the past, and how you cant change it and it does shape you, but thats ok after a very interesting dream.

On the 2nd of march, i had my final therapy session and called an end to that chapter in my life, hoping to carry what she taught me forward.

And on the 8th of march i finally played with makeup again for the first time in months and did this elemental mermaid look, with glitter of course!.

I can find it hard to find the motivation and the time to write my blog i haven’t been has committed to it as i would like, but looking back on everything i have done reminds me that ive done more than i think!

I hope to keep my blog up for another 100 posts and more, and i hope to continue trying to grow it this year, and thankyou for anyone that is reading this, so much!

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Stretched too thin.


It can be really frustrating to really struggle to not sound happy when i write you know that? even just my normal greeting in blog posts “hey there” sounds happy.

But i dont want to sound happy in this post, i want to sound real, and i want to be real and raw with everyone right now because ive never been too good at hiding my feelings. I have felt stretched really thin lately, i have felt as if im giving 100% of myself to so many different things at this point that its only a matter of time before i break. And the thing is i have been asking for help, i have given in and said ok other people take some of this off me…but it hasnt really happened.

So ive continued going along as i have been, and im just currently waiting for the dam to break. Recovery is tough, and since i finished therapy i have felt this overwhelming pressure to continue improving and pushing myself and this pressure to not struggle or be sad, as if a slight break means disaster. Im very conscious of everyone watching me, im conscious of the pressure to get better from family, friends and just the world in general. Im also very conscious of the fact that the whole way through this journey with therapy it has felt like my last chance, and i continue to feel this way and that terrifies me, if i slip too much at any point, thats it…too many years have i been like this, and it takes years to recover, i feel like if i have a big slip thats just going to be the end, and i know it doesn’t work like that, but maybe i am right? maybe this is the last chance i have to get better, and that is very scary.

It feels like im drowning right now, and the frustrating thing is that i feel like im shouting, that im screaming from the rooftops that this is too much! i need help! i need people! and it falls on deaf ears.

I wasn’t going to write this blog post originally, feeling like i was being attention seeking or silly but in the end, i write this blog to help others, i want to make sure no one feels alone, and part of that is being honest when im not doing very well. I suppose the biggest difference between right now, and when i would have a bad moment before therapy, is that i am not just giving in and letting everything and everyone overtake and overwhelm me, im still fighting even when it feels almost impossible at this point.

I feel like i slipped under the surface again, but this time im going to continue fighting to break the surface, because i just cant give up this time.

Im not giving up on myself again.

Cath x

The therapy diaries – The final session.


Hey there! So, this is going to be my last post in my therapy diaries series for a while, because today i had my last session until my follow up in a few months. Ive been really scared knowing this was coming, because i have come a really long way since September but facing the very real reality that it could all just fall down around me without the support of seeing a therapist, its been sitting in the back of my head for a while now that it was almost the end.

But, sat talking to her i actually felt very positive, its something ive found since day one that she has a very positive effect on me, 9 times out of 10 ive come out from therapy happy and feeling really positive so im not surprised she helped me feel better about everything

we talked about how the last 2 weeks have been and then went over what im taking away from therapy, and i really am taking away a lot.

When i met her at the very end of august, she met a girl drowning, so reached in and pulled me out, and gave me a chance to learn how to walk on the surface again. For years, ive been just under the surface fighting tooth & nail to reach the surface, ive managed to break the surface every now and then for a breather before it would begin all over again. But when freya met me i had finally given up, i couldnt keep fighting a fight that felt impossible anymore, so i was letting myself drown, and she reached in and made it so that i was comfortably on the surface for the first time in years.

when i  went to my first session she challenged me. She challenged the thoughts i had always taken as gospel, she challenged the way i saw my world, and most importantly she challenged the fact that i was there, if i had completely given up, why was i turning up to therapy?

And that worked, i had never been challenged before in the right way, and she did it without hatred or discourse but tactfully. We took weeks working on why i wanted to get better in the first place, and getting me to a place where i could with a lot of help make a list of goals for myself.

And the goals i made were –

Reducing self criticism – tick
Getting out more often & regularly – tick
Becoming more independent when im out – tick
start getting out on mondays – tick
see my nan on fridays – tick
become less scared of change – tick
Begin to like myself – tick

All of these where not made with the thought that i would actually manage them! but i have actually managed to do all of them, and to think i was so terrified of setting them because i thought i wouldn’t manage them.

In fact, i have become so ok with goals now, that under my own steam i made and wrote down 2019 goals. Massive, for someone whos scared of what her future holds.

Over the past few months, we have worked on so much but the underlining current was me. It was no longer ok if i did things because of or for other people, it had to be for me, it was no longer ok to hate myself because i should like me, i had to learn to stop bullying me, and i had to learn that i was aloud to work towards being the me i want to be.

I have a follow up with her in June, and i cant believe im going to type this but i cant wait to see what i can do to tell her.

I have spent my 20s and most of my teens broken, drowning in the sea that is mental illness. But maybe just maybe, i dont have to live the rest of my life that way.

Im finally going in the right direction.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – A Positive Out look.


Hey there! so i haven’t done an update on therapy in a little while, so i thought now was as good a time as any to let you know how its going. So at the time of writing i got back from therapy a couple of hours ago, im on the last 3 sessions i have with her now, so we have split them up over 6 weeks and this was the first one with a two week gap in between.

I had a lot happen over these 2 weeks, i found out that asking for my benefits being taken down to be reconsidered had been declined, friendship troubles & trying to nurse a poorly guinea pig back to health who sadly lost his fight, it wasn’t a quiet 2 weeks!

But we also spoke a lot about how i am slowly understanding and accepting that recovery in the end can only be something you do for yourself and im also beginning to want to do it for myself too. When i met my therapist i had basically given up, i didnt think i had any other chance any more but thanks too my therapist, i found hope again.

I found a reason to fight, and for once it wasn’t in someone else, for once it was for me, i wasn’t fighting for anyone else but myself and my therapist had pushed me in the direction to do so. And now, i still feel that way, i want to recover, i want to get better but i want to do it for myself, of course other people come into my thinking but mainly its for me and what i want. And thats how it should be, i should be recovering for myself, because after all i have to put in all the hard work!

So therapy is really positive at the moment, we have been doing positive qualities diaries and ive actually managed to think of positive qualities that i think i have myself now, and im not just going by what other people tell me.

And being able to write these down, actually started with the guinea pig i mentioned above. My mum works in a primary school, and they have guinea pigs and one of them got very poorly so myself and my mum gave him the best chance we could and syringe fed him every hours for most of a day. Sadly, he didnt make it but doing this made me think something.

Regardless of the human or the creature, if they need me i will help, a bumble bee or a great white shark, my best friend or my school bully if they need someone i will always be willing to help. And it was then that i knew what my first positive quality trait was, and that i also knew that little marmite had taught me a valuable lesson.

So even with a lot of things happening, im feeling really positive right now and thats, well thats lovely.

I hope it sticks.

Cath x

*Herbal Salve 5% CBD Oil Review.



Hey there! so today im bringing you a review of something ive wanted to try for a while now, CBD oil. Its been toted around for a while now as a natural, powerful way to treat anxiety, depression and a long list of various pains. But due to the price ive never taken the leap to try it, so i was very excited to be sent 5% CBD oil from salve herbal.

Salve herbal was formed because the owners struggled to find the right kind of high quality CBD on the market that could help manage things like anxiety. They sell three different strengths, 5% which is the one i have and thats £19.99, 10% which is and 20% which is.

So the CBD is in a small glass bottle with a dropper, and what you do is put a few drops under your tongue, hold it for 60 seconds then swallow and you are meant to do this twice a day, adjusting the amount of drops as you go along depending on the strength you need.

The biggest thing that you will notice about CBD oil, and something i was warned about too is that this stuff tastes horrible! which to be honest is no surprise, considering what it comes from. If you have ever smelt hemp, you will know its not exactly the kind of thing you would put in a candle!

And yeah, its tastes awful, someone discribed it as old socks but i think it tastes more like dirt. Its not nice at all, but if you buck it up and have a strongly flavoured drink ready to wash it down your ok! i tended to have juice or a fizzy drink ready to wash it down and that was fine its honestly not the worst thing in the whole world to have to taste!

I started with 3 drops but i quickly increased the drops up very quickly, i took it morning and night and have been for a couple of weeks now, to see if would help with my anxiety, depression and pain in my joints and aching overall at all.

and has it?

sort of.

I think that if i really wanted to feel a massive difference i would have to go for a high percentage, but even on the 5% i did find some differences. My pain is still bad and sometimes overwhelming but it did help with the aching in my legs and the fact that i sometimes get restless legs from the pain, it helped that. Ive felt calmer, even with my anxiety being at its normally high levels i have felt over all just more peaceful and calmer and this is the only thing i can put it down too really!

I dont honestly think i would buy this myself, but this is purely down to feeling that it isnt worth the price tag for what it does for me. if i could afford the higher percentage i would for sure give it a go but i just cant at the moment.

However, i am glad i tried it, the restless legs have been an issue for a while and finding a way to ease them is really nice, its worth the taste!

Have you tried CBD oil? did it help you?

Cath x

I was sent this product free of charge to consider it for review, this does not effect my opinion what so ever.

Emotionally Broken – Because i dont have a chance.


Hey there! so i haven’t done a emotionally broken post in a while, but ive had some stuff on my mind lately that i wanted to write about.

I am a big fan and follower of critical role, a dnd twitch stream that is basically amazing. The weekend just gone in LA they had a critical role art show & live show, the whole weekend looked completely amazing. And even though it wouldn’t be realistic to think that i could go to that even if i was well & recovered, i still felt very jealous.

And i tend to feel this every time something like this pops up, comic cons and live events, gigs etc i get jealous. I stalk the pictures and the tweets and make it worse for myself, soaking it up beating myself up for something that is so far from my reach.

And yesterday i was thinking, why do i do this? with something like the LA shows, even if i was recovered and well its not realistic to think i could go to something like that, its across the world and of course money is always a factor!

But i dont think that is the point really, its because regardless of anything else, i dont have a chance to begin with. Theres no “oh i wish i lived closer!” or “if i had the money”, mines more “going to tescos 10 minutes away takes 3 days of prep and 2 days of recovery, LA is like going to the moon for me”.

The fact that i couldn’t have that, that regardless of anything else i cant go to shows, gigs, cons, i cant meet up with friends or go out to dinner, i cant even go to supermarkets or go for a walk to the park.

I dont even have the chance, and thats what really gets me.

Soo many people have told me over the years that you never know what peoples lives are really like, that i should never be jealous, but without really meaning too i am. Because it doesn’t always matter about the life i dont see, they are still getting something i dont have the chance at.

Thats enough.

And then of course the guilt kicks in, i dont want to be jealous, of course id rather be happy with what i have, but im not and that sucks. I mean of course its not abnormal to be unhappy with what you have, but it doesn’t make it suck any less.

But, of course you have to find ways to get through these things, so i tell myself that one day i will get what i want, and i will be able to go to gig and cons and see friends and live life.

Its the only thing you can do, and sometimes it can feel like im feeding myself the biggest lie. But i need it to keep going, so i keep going, with the hope that one day i wont stare at my phone wishing i was there, but i will stare at pictures a few days later smiling because it was, that i actually had the chance.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – the fear of the end.

Hey there! so in 3 weeks time my therapy comes to a end, i got 16 sessions and ive almost had them all. And, i am really bloody scared for it to come to an end.

Ive had cbt therapy before, and i did really well and improved a lot while i was in therapy and then within 2 months i started going backwards and very quickly i was back to square one.

Ive improved a lot since i started therapy in september, and im really scared that it will all go to shit again. When i started therapy, i had basically completely given up all hope on ever getting better, on ever improving again and my therapist gave me the kick up the ass basically that i needed too start trying again.

I have done so well, i know i have but because of this i am terrified that i cant continue it if im not going to therapy weekly. I hate how you just get dropped like this, im going to have to fend for myself so to speak and im really worried i cant.

I expressed this to my therapist last week and when i left the session i felt as if you know maybe she is right and i could manage it by myself. I have the tools, i know what im doing right? but in the days since then, it all feels way too much, and im so worried this isnt going to work out.

Ever since i started therapy it has felt like this was my last chance, i dont feel like i can have another chance to get better. I feel like i cant do this again, recovery is so much, and im barely into what is years of work and i know that i just cant repeat this all over again. But that is also even scarier than normal, because if i do fail, thats it.

I feel so completely overwhelmed right now, i really wanna just hide away forever! maybe everything will be ok, but it doesnt feel like it will be right now.

Therapy is great, but no one talks about when you have to leave it!

Cath x

A Big Old Update.


Hey there! wow, ok its been a while since ive done like just a rambly update, But i have a lot to talk about!

So about a month or so ago i had an assessment to go too, im on ESA (employment support allowance) So every so often you do have to go and have an assessment to see if anything has changed and where you should be on the payment scale. I mentioned about this assessment in a therapy diaries at the time, i was surprised because it was barely a year ago that i had my last assessment, when i was moved onto the highest tier of support, the support group were i got the highest tier of pay and couldn’t be made to do anything related to going back to work.

I have to admit that while a bit worried, i wasn’t overly worried that i was going to be moved, im worse than i was! plus combined with the fact that i might have narcolepsy and randomly pass out for sometimes hours? i thought i would be alright.

But then 2 weeks ago i got a letter, i call them the “brown envelopes of doom”, letters about anything benefit related are almost always in a brown envelope, over the years ive now come to fear anything in a brown envelope! The letter gave me an appointment on Friday the 14th of December, to meet my “work coach” at the job centre. I swear my stomach dropped, i knew what this meant, i had been dropped a tier, it didn’t tell me this however it just said that i must go see this work coach, or my money would be stopped, great. My money went in that night, and i was missing £25, odd….the tier below support group is £100 less, so i should of been missing £50 (you get the money every 2 weeks) But i couldn’t find out why, so i just had to wait.

On that Friday i got my answer in the form of another brown envelope of doom, telling me that i had in fact been dropped from the support group down onto the work related activity group. Which meant i was in fact loosing £100 a month, and would have to go see the work coach regularly or of course they would remove my money.

So i saw the work coach last Friday (im writing this on the Monday after) and it actually went really well. She was basically very surprised i had been dropped down a tier, her face basically had “i have no idea why you are here” written all over her face. She suggested i contest the change, which i do plan too, she also suggested that i apply for pip (personal independence payment) which i will be doing. She was very nice, and it was reassuring to hear that even she thought it was a stupid move.

This meant because the appointment last week was on a Friday i had to get out 2 days in a row. This was terrifying for me, not something i felt ready for at all! But there wasn’t much i could do about it, i didn’t want to miss another therapy appointment. And even though it was tough i did manage both days, even if i got 7 hours sleep across the two! I even managed to get out today too, though i really felt like it was impossible i did make it.

I am surprising myself at the moment, my drive is very strong even if i really dont feel like i can do anything most days! Im even feeling Christmassy for the first time in years, of course it brings a lot of anxiety, but im actually looking forward to Christmas for the first time in many years.

Therapy is going well, though i know now that my sessions will end in February and im already worried about keeping this up without therapy to help. Im crossing my fingers and willing myself to be able to do this without therapy, because the last thing i want is to fall back again.

All in all im doing well, im exhausted and my anxiety is regularly getting the best of me still but regardless im doing miles better than i was, so thats a win in my eyes.

I still do hate how much ive had to let things slip, like the blog for example but i havent had the time to write! Im hoping i can find myself a better routine come next year, and maybe ill be able to post more! I hope your all doing well, if you ever do wonder were i am have a look at my instagram cat.titcomb, i tend to be most active there!

Cath

X

I had to take a moment.

Me last week on one of the trips out, in a giant bauble!

Hey there!, so you may have noticed a bit of a radio silence on my part, i haven’t posted in a week, which as i have been posting every other day since july when i launched this blog that doesn’t normally happen!

But i needed to take a step back and breathe for a bit, since i started therapy and going out more ive continued doing everything else i was doing just adding the new things. As you can imagine, thats gone about as well as it sounds like it would!

I am the type of person that always has to do everything herself and doesnt like asking for help. So i got into the situation that i was trying to juggle everything at once, and of course when your doing that something do have to give in the end. So even though i really didnt want it to happen, i got to the point on wednesday night that i didnt have a post ready for thursday and i just i hit a point.

On thursday most of my 50 minutes with my therapist was me ranting, and i knew at that point that however much i really didnt want to give some things up i needed to make things easier for myself. So, my blogging is going to change a little bit! First off, no i wont be quitting completely but just cutting down so that hopefully things are a bit easier for me.

So now im going to be posting twice a week, instead of my normal every other day. If i have the time and the want to post more i will, but generally twice a week is what im aiming for!

This does mean that i wont be doing weekly therapy diaries either because i would rather have that spot for other things but instead ill do regular updates about that as and when i feel its needed!

Theres plenty coming up, i did serious damage in the black friday sales so lots to show you there, a competition win, pain relief for periods & lots more jewellery! and thats just what i can think of off the top of my head. So theres plenty coming, and im not going anywhere i just needed to step back a bit and remind myself that change is not a bad thing!

Because since i took a little bit of a break ive actually got to really try out and play a game beyond world of warcraft, and ive just been able to breathe a bit better! and thats alright, we all need that.

So yeah, i will see you later this week! and if like me you tend to do this too, might be worth taking a step back, trust me.

Cath x

Gift guide for those with mental illness.


Hey there! so, i wanted to do some gift guides this year, obviously in an ideal world i could use my own pictures but i dont have that kind of money! so i will be using stock photos were i have too, anyway! with that out of the way, my first gift guide is for those in your life that struggle, mainly with mental health but you know it really could be anything!

1. Weighted blanket – These hit the scene about a year ago, and annoyingly they are still very pricey but from everything ive heard they are worth it! they are basically blankets that have been weighted inside so that they feel heavier than normal on you. This is meant to help calm down and ease anxiety, as someone with anxiety i can see this helping for sure!

2. Notebooks – I dont know about you, but with anxiety and the like its often nice to be able to just get everything out onto paper. Its someone ive done as a way to cope for years, writing everything down then tearing the page out and throwing it out. Also, as someone in therapy you need a notebook for that!

3. Buddybox – Buddybox have been around for a while now, and ive always wanted one but there a little out of my reach. Basically they are self care subscription boxes, you can also get one off boxes too with around 5 items. Its a perfect way to give someone something that reminds them that they matter or that they need to take time out sometimes. You can also buy subscriptions, i think if you really wanted to make sure someone was going to get a treat every month that would be a lovely thing to do.

4. Pamper products – I dont want to pick anything exactly because you will know what the person likes best! for me, i love face masks and body scrubs but i dont do bathes so bath bombs would be useless for me. Shower gels however! so basically just go for what would be pampering for them!

5. Netflix/Spotify subscription – Distraction is a very important part of having a mental illness, because sometimes thats the only thing you can do. Watching a show or movie or listening to loud music are all tried and true distractions, a subscription to help with this would be a welcome gift! also, if you know they are into it, a subscription to the MMO they play online is also a good one.

6. wax melter/candles/aromatherapy burner – Ive spoken about aromatherapy on my blog before, wax melts and essential oil burners as well. i really love it, and it helps me an awful lot, so you never know who else it may help! and beyond that, a nice smelling home is always good.

7. Quote jewellery – I have a few pieces of jewellery that have mental health quotes on, but my first item and the item that means the most to me is a bracelet a friend of a friend bought for me that says “my story isnt over yet” it sits on my desk, reminding me exactly that. Getting something like that means an awful lot, trust me! you can find jewellery like that on ebay and etsy.

8. CBD oil – Now this one you gotta be careful with, i would suggest only doing this if you know they have mentioned wanting to try it! but personally i would rather excited if i got it as i would love to give it a go, but always remember that CBD oil and any of this kind of thing isnt a cure, and dont make it seem that way!

9. A personal gift – By this i mean something like, a notebook full of all the things you love about them, or maybe from lots of people! things like that can mean the world in the darkest of moments.

10. Fidget toys – Last year fidget spinners hit the mainstream market and everyone lost there minds, but honestly fidget spinners and all the other fidget toys that are out there can actually be amazingly helpful! also if they like gemstones, worry stones are also brilliant, ive gone through a few over the years!

So there you go, i hope this helps and also, please remember that no one is just there mental illness, but it is nice to get a thoughtful gift!

Cath x