The Therapy Diaries – me before you.


Hey there! so this weeks therapy session i knew was going to be a bit jam packed because i had an awful lot to tell her! and that means, an awful lot to tell you.

So, next week there wont be a therapy diary because i got a letter on Saturday with an appointment for an assessment for my benefits. It wasn’t expected because i had one barely a year ago but yet here we go again! and of course its on a Thursday at the same time i would have therapy. Its very important i go to the assessment, so i have to miss therapy sadly! but you know, needs must.

Last friday i went over my Nans for the first time in ages, its going to be a regular once a week thing (with my mum) and it was really nice. It was nice to chat to her, and just hang out basically with another human being! i love my internet friends, but seeing someone face to face is important.

After my benefit letter on Saturday my automatic response was to panic, and not want to continue getting better at all. I didn’t want to go to therapy etc i just wanted to hide because i knew that any sign of improvement would be taken negatively against me in the assessment. But i fought past that, i didn’t want to be controlled but them so instead seeing as i had done so well i asked mum if we could go to costa on Monday.

And we did! it was without a doubt the worst anxiety day ive had for months, but i did manage it all the same, just about. I then also had the doctors on Tuesday, after my situation that i spoke about here i needed to get a second opinion, and thankfully this time i was listened too! hes looking into referring me to a sleep clinic and i should hear in a few days.

So with all this i had a lot to tell her!

My homework for this week had been to work on the rules and assumptions we had spoken about and add to them if i could. I was able to add one to the mix, and it turned out to be really important because it looks like the reason why i always put myself before anyone else and that im very protective.

She showed me the pacman theory today because i have been struggling with my self-esteem and thoughts of myself she wanted to show me this.

So the pacman theory is this, imagine a pacman –


Pacman here is a negative thought.

And this slice is negative reinforcement, something that fits very easily into the negative thought.


But this rectangle here is a positive reinforcement, something that doesn’t fit with the negative thought.

So instead, we either completely disregard the positive reinforcement or we distort the positive reinforcement to fit the negative thought.

So instead, we need to work so that instead of the negative thought we can create someone willing to take on positive thoughts instead.

It made an awful lot of sense to me, and its something i really hope i can work on and get better with.

So there you have it, ill have a different post for you next week instead of the therapy diary!

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – Making steps.


Hey there! so i had therapy on Thursday, though i went one better this Thursday as it was half term over here in the UK so my mum was off work. So after therapy we went to poundland too! doing more than one thing when i go out i find very tough, and going around a shop is still really difficult for me but im getting there and i did well with poundland.

Anyways, in therapy itself! i brought up a bit of an issue ive been having, i mentioned a little while ago about my issue with randomly falling asleep without warning and that i was going to go see a different doctor. Well….i haven’t made an appointment yet. Im scared, scared that i go to see this doctor and i get the same reaction my own GP gave me, scared that im never gonna be taken seriously purely because im fat.

I explained this to my therapist and basically it wasn’t so much that i needed her to say anything it was more i think airing out what was in my head. We moved on from that, but i will come back to it at the end!

my “homework” had been to read this piece of text called the poisoned parrot, the parrot being low self-esteem. It really does hit home and make a lot of sense! so we spoke about that a little bit before we looked at what i had done with my goals, she wanted me to break them down a bit more so i did, i basically squished two goals into one because they are intertwined.

I put my goal “get out more often” and “become more independent” together because for the most part i am pretty independent, the big problem comes with getting out and being out so ive got short term goals now like “go to a different shop from mum” and things like that. As for the getting out more often, i broke that down into two goals, which is to start seeing my nan on Fridays, and to work towards going out on Mondays too.

The other goal i worked on was become less scared of change, so i put “do things that scare me”, but then i wasn’t able to put anything else because i obviously dont think about what scares me! and we ran out of time to work on that sadly.

For the last bit of therapy we started mapping, which i do remember from my cbt before. Basically its working on the fact that a lot of our behaviours are learnt, because when we are born we are basically a blank canvas, and a lot of our behaviours good and bad are learnt in the younger years when you take things on so much easier. It doesn’t have to be a traumatic experience or anything like that, but just a small thing that you manage to pick up on can be enough, and it can turn into something you turn into something you have to do as you grow up. But its breaking these things down and figuring out whats caused your problems!

With that, my “home work” this week is too do 2 small goals, so one is to get it set to start seeing my nan on Fridays, and second is to phone the doctors! and finally make that appointment i really need.

This week felt like a week of progress, a week were it was time to start making sure that i actually moved forward not just talked about it! I have been feeling good lately, just wish me luck in staying that way.

Cath x