The therapy diaries – The final session.


Hey there! So, this is going to be my last post in my therapy diaries series for a while, because today i had my last session until my follow up in a few months. Ive been really scared knowing this was coming, because i have come a really long way since September but facing the very real reality that it could all just fall down around me without the support of seeing a therapist, its been sitting in the back of my head for a while now that it was almost the end.

But, sat talking to her i actually felt very positive, its something ive found since day one that she has a very positive effect on me, 9 times out of 10 ive come out from therapy happy and feeling really positive so im not surprised she helped me feel better about everything

we talked about how the last 2 weeks have been and then went over what im taking away from therapy, and i really am taking away a lot.

When i met her at the very end of august, she met a girl drowning, so reached in and pulled me out, and gave me a chance to learn how to walk on the surface again. For years, ive been just under the surface fighting tooth & nail to reach the surface, ive managed to break the surface every now and then for a breather before it would begin all over again. But when freya met me i had finally given up, i couldnt keep fighting a fight that felt impossible anymore, so i was letting myself drown, and she reached in and made it so that i was comfortably on the surface for the first time in years.

when i  went to my first session she challenged me. She challenged the thoughts i had always taken as gospel, she challenged the way i saw my world, and most importantly she challenged the fact that i was there, if i had completely given up, why was i turning up to therapy?

And that worked, i had never been challenged before in the right way, and she did it without hatred or discourse but tactfully. We took weeks working on why i wanted to get better in the first place, and getting me to a place where i could with a lot of help make a list of goals for myself.

And the goals i made were –

Reducing self criticism – tick
Getting out more often & regularly – tick
Becoming more independent when im out – tick
start getting out on mondays – tick
see my nan on fridays – tick
become less scared of change – tick
Begin to like myself – tick

All of these where not made with the thought that i would actually manage them! but i have actually managed to do all of them, and to think i was so terrified of setting them because i thought i wouldn’t manage them.

In fact, i have become so ok with goals now, that under my own steam i made and wrote down 2019 goals. Massive, for someone whos scared of what her future holds.

Over the past few months, we have worked on so much but the underlining current was me. It was no longer ok if i did things because of or for other people, it had to be for me, it was no longer ok to hate myself because i should like me, i had to learn to stop bullying me, and i had to learn that i was aloud to work towards being the me i want to be.

I have a follow up with her in June, and i cant believe im going to type this but i cant wait to see what i can do to tell her.

I have spent my 20s and most of my teens broken, drowning in the sea that is mental illness. But maybe just maybe, i dont have to live the rest of my life that way.

Im finally going in the right direction.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – Making steps.


Hey there! so i had therapy on Thursday, though i went one better this Thursday as it was half term over here in the UK so my mum was off work. So after therapy we went to poundland too! doing more than one thing when i go out i find very tough, and going around a shop is still really difficult for me but im getting there and i did well with poundland.

Anyways, in therapy itself! i brought up a bit of an issue ive been having, i mentioned a little while ago about my issue with randomly falling asleep without warning and that i was going to go see a different doctor. Well….i haven’t made an appointment yet. Im scared, scared that i go to see this doctor and i get the same reaction my own GP gave me, scared that im never gonna be taken seriously purely because im fat.

I explained this to my therapist and basically it wasn’t so much that i needed her to say anything it was more i think airing out what was in my head. We moved on from that, but i will come back to it at the end!

my “homework” had been to read this piece of text called the poisoned parrot, the parrot being low self-esteem. It really does hit home and make a lot of sense! so we spoke about that a little bit before we looked at what i had done with my goals, she wanted me to break them down a bit more so i did, i basically squished two goals into one because they are intertwined.

I put my goal “get out more often” and “become more independent” together because for the most part i am pretty independent, the big problem comes with getting out and being out so ive got short term goals now like “go to a different shop from mum” and things like that. As for the getting out more often, i broke that down into two goals, which is to start seeing my nan on Fridays, and to work towards going out on Mondays too.

The other goal i worked on was become less scared of change, so i put “do things that scare me”, but then i wasn’t able to put anything else because i obviously dont think about what scares me! and we ran out of time to work on that sadly.

For the last bit of therapy we started mapping, which i do remember from my cbt before. Basically its working on the fact that a lot of our behaviours are learnt, because when we are born we are basically a blank canvas, and a lot of our behaviours good and bad are learnt in the younger years when you take things on so much easier. It doesn’t have to be a traumatic experience or anything like that, but just a small thing that you manage to pick up on can be enough, and it can turn into something you turn into something you have to do as you grow up. But its breaking these things down and figuring out whats caused your problems!

With that, my “home work” this week is too do 2 small goals, so one is to get it set to start seeing my nan on Fridays, and second is to phone the doctors! and finally make that appointment i really need.

This week felt like a week of progress, a week were it was time to start making sure that i actually moved forward not just talked about it! I have been feeling good lately, just wish me luck in staying that way.

Cath x

The therapy diaries – My own worst enemy.


Hey there! so today is the start of a new series because on thursday i began therapy, for the second time in 3 years. 3 years ago i started CBT therapy to try and help me leave the house more, over the course of 16 sessions i did manage to do this, but very quickly once leaving in june 2016 fell into a spiral of staying at home again.

This time, we are working on my self esteem & also, why i tend to give off this aura of having given up on my situation ever improving.

Ill admit that though i didnt notice i was doing this while i was doing it, when i got in there i started stalling very quickly. She told me off the bat we would be coming up with and writing down some goals and without really thinking about it i stalled and talked about other things.

We spoke about how i felt i had my fight back a bit more now, that i dont feel like giving in as much as i did, but we did also speak about the fact that i still only find i can fight for others, and that i never really do it for myself due to how i think about myself. That i would really like to get into the situation were i can be recovering for myself, not just everyone else around me!

But then we hit the goals, i had seemingly avoided these for as long as i could so when she asked me for some goals i spoke about ones months and years down the line. Noticing this, she pointed it out and after a long old chat i had a light bulb moment, i didnt set goals for myself because in my eyes i was always going to fail them, i so i avoided them like the plaque, putting them far enough away that i didnt have to think about them.

She had a very good point, the goals i had made in CBT the first time 3 years ago, were they still 5/10 years away? and of course, they were.

I began to notice all the ways that i had without noticing avoided setting myself goals, preferring to avoid them heavily. It was then that there was another light bulb moment, it wasnt that i didnt want to get better, but it was that i was very scared about getting better so instead i hid. And she was right, i am very scared of getting better and my response is too hide away and pretend none of this is happening and nothing is changing. But of course i cant always do that, in the end regardless of how scary everything is, i cant put it off any longer i need too get better, but when you live so long like this, its scary to think you could possibly have a future outside of this. It feels like a fairytale, a weird dream to possibly be out of this situation at some point, its a massive change, and i think we all try and run from big scary changes.

So yeah, first session and already had a bit of a breakthrough! i wasnt expecting that honestly, but im glad it happened, i never saw how bad i was about goals until now.

I should be seeing her every thursday, so expect another instalment of this dairy every week!

Cath x