But i dont want to sound happy in this post, i want to sound real, and i want to be real and raw with everyone right now because ive never been too good at hiding my feelings. I have felt stretched really thin lately, i have felt as if im giving 100% of myself to so many different things at this point that its only a matter of time before i break. And the thing is i have been asking for help, i have given in and said ok other people take some of this off me…but it hasnt really happened.
So ive continued going along as i have been, and im just currently waiting for the dam to break. Recovery is tough, and since i finished therapy i have felt this overwhelming pressure to continue improving and pushing myself and this pressure to not struggle or be sad, as if a slight break means disaster. Im very conscious of everyone watching me, im conscious of the pressure to get better from family, friends and just the world in general. Im also very conscious of the fact that the whole way through this journey with therapy it has felt like my last chance, and i continue to feel this way and that terrifies me, if i slip too much at any point, thats it…too many years have i been like this, and it takes years to recover, i feel like if i have a big slip thats just going to be the end, and i know it doesn’t work like that, but maybe i am right? maybe this is the last chance i have to get better, and that is very scary.
It feels like im drowning right now, and the frustrating thing is that i feel like im shouting, that im screaming from the rooftops that this is too much! i need help! i need people! and it falls on deaf ears.
I wasn’t going to write this blog post originally, feeling like i was being attention seeking or silly but in the end, i write this blog to help others, i want to make sure no one feels alone, and part of that is being honest when im not doing very well. I suppose the biggest difference between right now, and when i would have a bad moment before therapy, is that i am not just giving in and letting everything and everyone overtake and overwhelm me, im still fighting even when it feels almost impossible at this point.
I feel like i slipped under the surface again, but this time im going to continue fighting to break the surface, because i just cant give up this time.
Im not giving up on myself again.