I am a big fan and follower of critical role, a dnd twitch stream that is basically amazing. The weekend just gone in LA they had a critical role art show & live show, the whole weekend looked completely amazing. And even though it wouldn’t be realistic to think that i could go to that even if i was well & recovered, i still felt very jealous.
And i tend to feel this every time something like this pops up, comic cons and live events, gigs etc i get jealous. I stalk the pictures and the tweets and make it worse for myself, soaking it up beating myself up for something that is so far from my reach.
And yesterday i was thinking, why do i do this? with something like the LA shows, even if i was recovered and well its not realistic to think i could go to something like that, its across the world and of course money is always a factor!
But i dont think that is the point really, its because regardless of anything else, i dont have a chance to begin with. Theres no “oh i wish i lived closer!” or “if i had the money”, mines more “going to tescos 10 minutes away takes 3 days of prep and 2 days of recovery, LA is like going to the moon for me”.
The fact that i couldn’t have that, that regardless of anything else i cant go to shows, gigs, cons, i cant meet up with friends or go out to dinner, i cant even go to supermarkets or go for a walk to the park.
I dont even have the chance, and thats what really gets me.
Soo many people have told me over the years that you never know what peoples lives are really like, that i should never be jealous, but without really meaning too i am. Because it doesn’t always matter about the life i dont see, they are still getting something i dont have the chance at.
And then of course the guilt kicks in, i dont want to be jealous, of course id rather be happy with what i have, but im not and that sucks. I mean of course its not abnormal to be unhappy with what you have, but it doesn’t make it suck any less.
But, of course you have to find ways to get through these things, so i tell myself that one day i will get what i want, and i will be able to go to gig and cons and see friends and live life.
Its the only thing you can do, and sometimes it can feel like im feeding myself the biggest lie. But i need it to keep going, so i keep going, with the hope that one day i wont stare at my phone wishing i was there, but i will stare at pictures a few days later smiling because it was, that i actually had the chance.