Emotionally Broken – Stretched too thin.


It can be really frustrating to really struggle to not sound happy when i write you know that? even just my normal greeting in blog posts “hey there” sounds happy.

But i dont want to sound happy in this post, i want to sound real, and i want to be real and raw with everyone right now because ive never been too good at hiding my feelings. I have felt stretched really thin lately, i have felt as if im giving 100% of myself to so many different things at this point that its only a matter of time before i break. And the thing is i have been asking for help, i have given in and said ok other people take some of this off me…but it hasnt really happened.

So ive continued going along as i have been, and im just currently waiting for the dam to break. Recovery is tough, and since i finished therapy i have felt this overwhelming pressure to continue improving and pushing myself and this pressure to not struggle or be sad, as if a slight break means disaster. Im very conscious of everyone watching me, im conscious of the pressure to get better from family, friends and just the world in general. Im also very conscious of the fact that the whole way through this journey with therapy it has felt like my last chance, and i continue to feel this way and that terrifies me, if i slip too much at any point, thats it…too many years have i been like this, and it takes years to recover, i feel like if i have a big slip thats just going to be the end, and i know it doesn’t work like that, but maybe i am right? maybe this is the last chance i have to get better, and that is very scary.

It feels like im drowning right now, and the frustrating thing is that i feel like im shouting, that im screaming from the rooftops that this is too much! i need help! i need people! and it falls on deaf ears.

I wasn’t going to write this blog post originally, feeling like i was being attention seeking or silly but in the end, i write this blog to help others, i want to make sure no one feels alone, and part of that is being honest when im not doing very well. I suppose the biggest difference between right now, and when i would have a bad moment before therapy, is that i am not just giving in and letting everything and everyone overtake and overwhelm me, im still fighting even when it feels almost impossible at this point.

I feel like i slipped under the surface again, but this time im going to continue fighting to break the surface, because i just cant give up this time.

Im not giving up on myself again.

Cath x

The therapy diaries – The final session.


Hey there! So, this is going to be my last post in my therapy diaries series for a while, because today i had my last session until my follow up in a few months. Ive been really scared knowing this was coming, because i have come a really long way since September but facing the very real reality that it could all just fall down around me without the support of seeing a therapist, its been sitting in the back of my head for a while now that it was almost the end.

But, sat talking to her i actually felt very positive, its something ive found since day one that she has a very positive effect on me, 9 times out of 10 ive come out from therapy happy and feeling really positive so im not surprised she helped me feel better about everything

we talked about how the last 2 weeks have been and then went over what im taking away from therapy, and i really am taking away a lot.

When i met her at the very end of august, she met a girl drowning, so reached in and pulled me out, and gave me a chance to learn how to walk on the surface again. For years, ive been just under the surface fighting tooth & nail to reach the surface, ive managed to break the surface every now and then for a breather before it would begin all over again. But when freya met me i had finally given up, i couldnt keep fighting a fight that felt impossible anymore, so i was letting myself drown, and she reached in and made it so that i was comfortably on the surface for the first time in years.

when i  went to my first session she challenged me. She challenged the thoughts i had always taken as gospel, she challenged the way i saw my world, and most importantly she challenged the fact that i was there, if i had completely given up, why was i turning up to therapy?

And that worked, i had never been challenged before in the right way, and she did it without hatred or discourse but tactfully. We took weeks working on why i wanted to get better in the first place, and getting me to a place where i could with a lot of help make a list of goals for myself.

And the goals i made were –

Reducing self criticism – tick
Getting out more often & regularly – tick
Becoming more independent when im out – tick
start getting out on mondays – tick
see my nan on fridays – tick
become less scared of change – tick
Begin to like myself – tick

All of these where not made with the thought that i would actually manage them! but i have actually managed to do all of them, and to think i was so terrified of setting them because i thought i wouldn’t manage them.

In fact, i have become so ok with goals now, that under my own steam i made and wrote down 2019 goals. Massive, for someone whos scared of what her future holds.

Over the past few months, we have worked on so much but the underlining current was me. It was no longer ok if i did things because of or for other people, it had to be for me, it was no longer ok to hate myself because i should like me, i had to learn to stop bullying me, and i had to learn that i was aloud to work towards being the me i want to be.

I have a follow up with her in June, and i cant believe im going to type this but i cant wait to see what i can do to tell her.

I have spent my 20s and most of my teens broken, drowning in the sea that is mental illness. But maybe just maybe, i dont have to live the rest of my life that way.

Im finally going in the right direction.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Because i dont have a chance.


Hey there! so i haven’t done a emotionally broken post in a while, but ive had some stuff on my mind lately that i wanted to write about.

I am a big fan and follower of critical role, a dnd twitch stream that is basically amazing. The weekend just gone in LA they had a critical role art show & live show, the whole weekend looked completely amazing. And even though it wouldn’t be realistic to think that i could go to that even if i was well & recovered, i still felt very jealous.

And i tend to feel this every time something like this pops up, comic cons and live events, gigs etc i get jealous. I stalk the pictures and the tweets and make it worse for myself, soaking it up beating myself up for something that is so far from my reach.

And yesterday i was thinking, why do i do this? with something like the LA shows, even if i was recovered and well its not realistic to think i could go to something like that, its across the world and of course money is always a factor!

But i dont think that is the point really, its because regardless of anything else, i dont have a chance to begin with. Theres no “oh i wish i lived closer!” or “if i had the money”, mines more “going to tescos 10 minutes away takes 3 days of prep and 2 days of recovery, LA is like going to the moon for me”.

The fact that i couldn’t have that, that regardless of anything else i cant go to shows, gigs, cons, i cant meet up with friends or go out to dinner, i cant even go to supermarkets or go for a walk to the park.

I dont even have the chance, and thats what really gets me.

Soo many people have told me over the years that you never know what peoples lives are really like, that i should never be jealous, but without really meaning too i am. Because it doesn’t always matter about the life i dont see, they are still getting something i dont have the chance at.

Thats enough.

And then of course the guilt kicks in, i dont want to be jealous, of course id rather be happy with what i have, but im not and that sucks. I mean of course its not abnormal to be unhappy with what you have, but it doesn’t make it suck any less.

But, of course you have to find ways to get through these things, so i tell myself that one day i will get what i want, and i will be able to go to gig and cons and see friends and live life.

Its the only thing you can do, and sometimes it can feel like im feeding myself the biggest lie. But i need it to keep going, so i keep going, with the hope that one day i wont stare at my phone wishing i was there, but i will stare at pictures a few days later smiling because it was, that i actually had the chance.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – Confronting my hatred.


Hey there! So this week, i left therapy not feeling quite as on top of the world as i normally do. Now dont get me wrong, therapy went great but today’s session was the first session that was on the heavier side, and i left not feeling sad or anything, just thinking, and feeling like i had a lot to think about.

We worked on breaking things down, basically we start with life experiences when your a child, because so many of our life rules and beliefs start there.

I have a rather long list of these learnt behaviours, but we quickly found that a lot of them surround the idea of not being worth anything/not being good enough and not doing things at the level i should. Basically, they all come back to low self-esteem.

Each one had that same kind of theme, not perfect enough/not pretty enough/not worth enough/ not me enough it continued, on and on.

I know this is silly, i know its pretty damn obvious but…do i really hate myself that much?

Seeing it laid out on paper, it was scary, its one thing knowing how you feel about yourself but its another actually seeing it all worked out and written down. There in black and white was proof that i didn’t like myself, it wasn’t just something “in my head” it wasn’t fake or attention seeking, it was 100% true and my therapist was agreeing.

I watched an interview this morning about a voice actor who i am a big fan of, and he spoke very openly about having body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphic disorder is widely thought to only effect people with an eating disorder but it can effect anyone. However i do have an eating disorder, not that anyone knows what to call it! Basically BDD is continuous worrying about flaws on your body that no one can see, its seeing yourself in a light that no one else does.

Low self-esteem and BDD, thats a fun combo isn’t it?

I didn’t know getting into this topic would hit me as hard as it as, but its got under my skin quite a bit. Its silly, because ive known this about myself for years, but maybe its finally sunk in.

The night before therapy i was upset about my performance in the game that i play, and a friend was able to help me through it but that knocked me too. It was only recently that i learnt the term “imposter syndrome”, but once i learnt it i figured out that i feel like that so much. And it came tumbling out to my friend, when full of emotion i squeaked out that i felt like a fraud.

I post a makeup look and the positive comments come tumbling in, and that feels amazing but in the back of my head its continuously reminding me that im a fraud. How? no idea, considering i do the makeup myself, i take the pictures myself and then i upload them with the only editing being turning them the right way or cropping. But yet still, i feel like i dont deserve the nice comments.

I throw myself into everything i do, generally to the point of burn out or just stupid business. But i dont know how not too, because to me thats the only way i can be remotely, enough.

And ive just noticed i started going on a ramble, but i suppose i needed it. I wasnt really sure how to start writing today, but this is what its turned into! thats ok, as much as i hope these posts help others, it is also a virtual diary for me to look back on and hopefully see how far ive come one day. I hope so, anyway.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – Making steps.


Hey there! so i had therapy on Thursday, though i went one better this Thursday as it was half term over here in the UK so my mum was off work. So after therapy we went to poundland too! doing more than one thing when i go out i find very tough, and going around a shop is still really difficult for me but im getting there and i did well with poundland.

Anyways, in therapy itself! i brought up a bit of an issue ive been having, i mentioned a little while ago about my issue with randomly falling asleep without warning and that i was going to go see a different doctor. Well….i haven’t made an appointment yet. Im scared, scared that i go to see this doctor and i get the same reaction my own GP gave me, scared that im never gonna be taken seriously purely because im fat.

I explained this to my therapist and basically it wasn’t so much that i needed her to say anything it was more i think airing out what was in my head. We moved on from that, but i will come back to it at the end!

my “homework” had been to read this piece of text called the poisoned parrot, the parrot being low self-esteem. It really does hit home and make a lot of sense! so we spoke about that a little bit before we looked at what i had done with my goals, she wanted me to break them down a bit more so i did, i basically squished two goals into one because they are intertwined.

I put my goal “get out more often” and “become more independent” together because for the most part i am pretty independent, the big problem comes with getting out and being out so ive got short term goals now like “go to a different shop from mum” and things like that. As for the getting out more often, i broke that down into two goals, which is to start seeing my nan on Fridays, and to work towards going out on Mondays too.

The other goal i worked on was become less scared of change, so i put “do things that scare me”, but then i wasn’t able to put anything else because i obviously dont think about what scares me! and we ran out of time to work on that sadly.

For the last bit of therapy we started mapping, which i do remember from my cbt before. Basically its working on the fact that a lot of our behaviours are learnt, because when we are born we are basically a blank canvas, and a lot of our behaviours good and bad are learnt in the younger years when you take things on so much easier. It doesn’t have to be a traumatic experience or anything like that, but just a small thing that you manage to pick up on can be enough, and it can turn into something you turn into something you have to do as you grow up. But its breaking these things down and figuring out whats caused your problems!

With that, my “home work” this week is too do 2 small goals, so one is to get it set to start seeing my nan on Fridays, and second is to phone the doctors! and finally make that appointment i really need.

This week felt like a week of progress, a week were it was time to start making sure that i actually moved forward not just talked about it! I have been feeling good lately, just wish me luck in staying that way.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – I wont give up.


Hey there! so first off, im sorry there wasn’t a therapy diaries last week, my mums car thought that just when i start getting out more would be the perfect moment to break down. So i wasn’t able to go to therapy annoyingly,thankfully all is sorted now!

Anyway, i went in today feeling a bit worried because i hadn’t done my “homework” the work she had set for me beforehand. And honestly that had been part avoidance and part just pure forgetfulness! im not forgetful normally but we all have those moments, and yes she did tell me off a little bit but i completely deserved that one!

Today we spoke about how i had felt the past couple of weeks, i explained how i had been pretty good but this past weekend i had struggled quite a bit.

See i suffer pretty heavily and quite often with loneliness, thing is that i have friends, but they are scattered all over the world and also due to my mental illnesses and such seeing anyone is tough.

The saying “you can feel like the loneliest person in the world in a room full of people” is very true. I love my friends, but i haven’t seen a friend in the flesh so to speak in 4 years. And us humans are at the base of it social creatures, we need social interaction we need that connection, and though i get some of that through voice and text online i dont get that connection that you only get when the person is in the same room. I miss it, i that feeling and i well i want it back.

We established that those moments, especially this past weekend sound more depression driven than anxiety. Which, im not overly surprised about, i have anxiety induced depression and have done for many years anyway.

We looked at the goals i need to make smart a bit, and that was the homework i didnt do. We worked at it a bit and then its again my homework, we worked on my goal of liking myself more and we have broke it down to treating myself more like i treat others in 3 months time. Well, at least being better at doing that!

The rest of the session (these sessions go so fast) we went through my pros of changing, cons of changing, pros of staying the same, cons of staying the same. The pros of course completely outweighed the cons, by a tonne, and the cons…there not worth it.

I really do feel like ive found my spark again lately, i dont feel quite as hopeless as i did. Right now as im writing this on Thursday night i feel, well better than i have in a while honestly.

Last week when i couldn’t go to therapy, i felt sad, i wanted to go. I even said to my mum, but i want to go. That alone is such a massive step, it shows that i have my fight back, and even though im scared etc im really determined that this time is it. This is the big difference i am going to make, and in the end ill get the life i want.

Because i really need to recover.

And, i want too.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Being a introverted extrovert with anxiety.


Hey there! so yeah, thats quite a title isn’t it? well, its a topic i want to touch on because i think theirs quite a few stereotypes that go along with having anxiety. And i also think a lot of people seem to think that you are either a extrovert or an introvert, but in fact i am proof you can very much be both!
ido lean on the side of extrovert for sure, but not fully, hence the introverted extrovert.

For as long as i can remember, ive been a people person, i love talking to people i love interacting and just generally having fun with people. I am often at my happiest when im around people that i love, and i get lonely very easily. As a child/teen and honestly if it wasn’t for the crippling anxiety i still would now, i loved preforming, singing/acting, i loved being on stage and quite frankly like the attention too.

However, i also have never liked crowds, never been a fan of parties or clubbing. My ideal night is playing video games with friends. And as ive grown up, my love the limelight has faded quite a bit, however i dont know if thats a change in me or because of my anxiety.

I think a lot of people tend to mix up anxiety and shyness, because thats one thing ive never really been! im not a shy person, as i said i love people,all of my problems with interacting with people have come from anxiety. Im really not a shy person, just a very anxious person!

To be honest, i think a lot of my introverted habits come from anxiety, but some of them have also always been there. Having introverted habits honestly have more then anything added too my anxiety, making it easier for me to just hide away.

But then my extroverted side, makes anxiety so much harder to deal with. I want to see people, i want to talk to them, i want to interact have fun and do things together yet due to anxiety and agoraphobia i cant, and that, god that really sucks.

Though of course, that gives me something to fight for you know? i want to socialise, and so to be able to do that i need to recover.

I doubt im the only one whos a bit of both, because lets face it theres so many people on this planet theres no way everyone fits into group A or group B you know? and thats true for me, i am group C! and thats alright.

Its just adding in anxiety that makes everything that much harder to deal with (thats a life motto right there). A people person scared of people is a bit difficult! i was worse a few years ago, i hated people, i had been fucked over one too many times and the result of that was someone who just, given up.

I had tried so hard to get somewhere and failed, so i stopped trying. I was quite happy to just curl up and rot away, i was done. A that, i cant explain what its like to feel like that, i felt like the world had given up on me so i gave up on the world.

Thankfully, due to going through my first round of therapy and meeting friends online i managed to drag myself out of that. My extroverted side will never be happy until i can meet up with people, until i can have fun and be happy again. And my introverted side will never be happy until i can curl up and watch a film by myself without panicking because my thoughts are too loud.

Basically, i wont be happy until im recovered, extroverted or introverted, group A,B or C i wont be happy until im in a much better place.

Its a damn good thing im stubborn and strong willed then really isnt it.

Cath x

The therapy diaries – My own worst enemy.


Hey there! so today is the start of a new series because on thursday i began therapy, for the second time in 3 years. 3 years ago i started CBT therapy to try and help me leave the house more, over the course of 16 sessions i did manage to do this, but very quickly once leaving in june 2016 fell into a spiral of staying at home again.

This time, we are working on my self esteem & also, why i tend to give off this aura of having given up on my situation ever improving.

Ill admit that though i didnt notice i was doing this while i was doing it, when i got in there i started stalling very quickly. She told me off the bat we would be coming up with and writing down some goals and without really thinking about it i stalled and talked about other things.

We spoke about how i felt i had my fight back a bit more now, that i dont feel like giving in as much as i did, but we did also speak about the fact that i still only find i can fight for others, and that i never really do it for myself due to how i think about myself. That i would really like to get into the situation were i can be recovering for myself, not just everyone else around me!

But then we hit the goals, i had seemingly avoided these for as long as i could so when she asked me for some goals i spoke about ones months and years down the line. Noticing this, she pointed it out and after a long old chat i had a light bulb moment, i didnt set goals for myself because in my eyes i was always going to fail them, i so i avoided them like the plaque, putting them far enough away that i didnt have to think about them.

She had a very good point, the goals i had made in CBT the first time 3 years ago, were they still 5/10 years away? and of course, they were.

I began to notice all the ways that i had without noticing avoided setting myself goals, preferring to avoid them heavily. It was then that there was another light bulb moment, it wasnt that i didnt want to get better, but it was that i was very scared about getting better so instead i hid. And she was right, i am very scared of getting better and my response is too hide away and pretend none of this is happening and nothing is changing. But of course i cant always do that, in the end regardless of how scary everything is, i cant put it off any longer i need too get better, but when you live so long like this, its scary to think you could possibly have a future outside of this. It feels like a fairytale, a weird dream to possibly be out of this situation at some point, its a massive change, and i think we all try and run from big scary changes.

So yeah, first session and already had a bit of a breakthrough! i wasnt expecting that honestly, but im glad it happened, i never saw how bad i was about goals until now.

I should be seeing her every thursday, so expect another instalment of this dairy every week!

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – If Only I Was Ok.


Hey, so im sure from the name of my blog gave it away but i will regularly talk about mental health on my little blog here. Sometimes it may be something happening with me (like todays post) and sometimes it may be more general. Im calling this series emotionally broken, ive called mental health series that for a while now and it just makes sense!

So, I personally have suffered with mental Illness since i was 11 years old, currently i have severe generalised anxiety disorder, depression, agoraphobia and abnormal eating disorder. yep, quite the list!

Today, i wanted to talk about what ive been feeling over the past few days because i have been feeling many, many things and its a lot.

Its all been brought on because a few friends of mine that i have known for about 2 years are all meeting at a event tomorrow and well, i for obvious reasons am not there and it quite honestly? is fucking killing me.

Ive wanted to go to this event since the first one 3 years ago, The first one i watched via the steam (its a gamer event) feeling a mix of happiness and just…i dont know how to describe it. Because its not exactly jealously, i am so very happy for my friends, but i wish with every single part of me that i was there too.

6 years ago i was signed off from my job at the time, and since then my mental and physical health as just plummeted. Ive found ways to still have things in my life, the internet is my complete saviour but its just not the same.

I dont have a life, i dont live, i exist and god id give anything for that not to be the case. Id give everything just to have a normal day, take my problems for a day, let me have that 1 day and ill have them back for the rest of my life, thats fine ill take it. But it doesnt work like that, i cant do that.

Every event, every wedding, every baby, every good grade, every hoilday, hell every walk in the park i see someone do on social media i always think, “why cant i do that”.

i try, i try very hard to get better & good grief do i try my best to stay positive but sometimes? sometimes i just cant be anymore, sometimes like now, i just want to be a normal 25 year old, and live my life as i want too.

Im sorry for the way this post as gone, i didnt mean to get so emotional! but im not removing it, this is something i want to make sure gets out there, the truest rawest side of mental illness. Because it isnt pretty, it isnt nice and one thing is for sure, it isnt shown enough in its true form.

so welcome to emotionally broken, it wont be very happy, but it will be real.

Cath x

Picture used is not mine.