Emotionally Broken – Hold onto your spark.

Its very easy to give up.

Anyone with mental illness will tell you, theres been a point when they have just wanted to let the illness win and give up. They havent been able to see any light at the end of the tunnel, no spark of hope and they just dont have the fight left. Yet, they have continued fighting all the same, that little spark showing its light once more.

I feel like im in limbo at the moment, i feel so completely stuck and it completely sucks. But it just hit me like a tonne of bricks, that even though i feel stuck, theres this different feeling too it now as well.

im pissed off!

it angers me, it fustrates me, im not just laying down and letting mental illness walk all over me. It can feel like i am, and it can look like i am, but im not because i havent said ok, you win. Im still fighting back, in fact over the past two years i really have got my fight back, i want to live a better life and i will do what i have too to get it.

Part of this is the carrot on a stick effect, i have friends now, from all over the world and i see them doing things and it makes me want those things too. And, it makes me want to meet them, knowing them online is awesome of course, but its been a very long time since ive had friends in “real life” and that, well that would mean everything, to just feel like a normal 20 something for once.

And, i keep fighting for the future i want. Ever since i was a little girl ive wanted to be a mum, its always been a big thing that ive wanted in my life for as long as i can remember and i will fight to be a mother one day. I also would like to be a foster mum one day, theres so many children out there who need a mum but for many reasons dont have one, i want to help them.

But i cant do any of this if i dont help myself first, and its fucking hard, it really bloody is but i will not be giving up. I am fully armoured and ready to face these motherfuckers face on, ive been doing it for years now and they are yet to win. And they wont.

If your in this situation, if you feel like giving up, find something, is it a job you want in the future? do you want children? do you want to travel? do you just want to be happy?

Find it, grab onto it and keep that spark close, our sparks can not go out if we dont let them. And if you find your spark is fading and you just cant anymore, reach out! there are so many of us all with a spark too, willing to help everyones shine bright.

Sparkle, your meant to shine.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – If Only I Was Ok.


Hey, so im sure from the name of my blog gave it away but i will regularly talk about mental health on my little blog here. Sometimes it may be something happening with me (like todays post) and sometimes it may be more general. Im calling this series emotionally broken, ive called mental health series that for a while now and it just makes sense!

So, I personally have suffered with mental Illness since i was 11 years old, currently i have severe generalised anxiety disorder, depression, agoraphobia and abnormal eating disorder. yep, quite the list!

Today, i wanted to talk about what ive been feeling over the past few days because i have been feeling many, many things and its a lot.

Its all been brought on because a few friends of mine that i have known for about 2 years are all meeting at a event tomorrow and well, i for obvious reasons am not there and it quite honestly? is fucking killing me.

Ive wanted to go to this event since the first one 3 years ago, The first one i watched via the steam (its a gamer event) feeling a mix of happiness and just…i dont know how to describe it. Because its not exactly jealously, i am so very happy for my friends, but i wish with every single part of me that i was there too.

6 years ago i was signed off from my job at the time, and since then my mental and physical health as just plummeted. Ive found ways to still have things in my life, the internet is my complete saviour but its just not the same.

I dont have a life, i dont live, i exist and god id give anything for that not to be the case. Id give everything just to have a normal day, take my problems for a day, let me have that 1 day and ill have them back for the rest of my life, thats fine ill take it. But it doesnt work like that, i cant do that.

Every event, every wedding, every baby, every good grade, every hoilday, hell every walk in the park i see someone do on social media i always think, “why cant i do that”.

i try, i try very hard to get better & good grief do i try my best to stay positive but sometimes? sometimes i just cant be anymore, sometimes like now, i just want to be a normal 25 year old, and live my life as i want too.

Im sorry for the way this post as gone, i didnt mean to get so emotional! but im not removing it, this is something i want to make sure gets out there, the truest rawest side of mental illness. Because it isnt pretty, it isnt nice and one thing is for sure, it isnt shown enough in its true form.

so welcome to emotionally broken, it wont be very happy, but it will be real.

Cath x

Picture used is not mine.