The Therapy Diaries – Making steps.


Hey there! so i had therapy on Thursday, though i went one better this Thursday as it was half term over here in the UK so my mum was off work. So after therapy we went to poundland too! doing more than one thing when i go out i find very tough, and going around a shop is still really difficult for me but im getting there and i did well with poundland.

Anyways, in therapy itself! i brought up a bit of an issue ive been having, i mentioned a little while ago about my issue with randomly falling asleep without warning and that i was going to go see a different doctor. Well….i haven’t made an appointment yet. Im scared, scared that i go to see this doctor and i get the same reaction my own GP gave me, scared that im never gonna be taken seriously purely because im fat.

I explained this to my therapist and basically it wasn’t so much that i needed her to say anything it was more i think airing out what was in my head. We moved on from that, but i will come back to it at the end!

my “homework” had been to read this piece of text called the poisoned parrot, the parrot being low self-esteem. It really does hit home and make a lot of sense! so we spoke about that a little bit before we looked at what i had done with my goals, she wanted me to break them down a bit more so i did, i basically squished two goals into one because they are intertwined.

I put my goal “get out more often” and “become more independent” together because for the most part i am pretty independent, the big problem comes with getting out and being out so ive got short term goals now like “go to a different shop from mum” and things like that. As for the getting out more often, i broke that down into two goals, which is to start seeing my nan on Fridays, and to work towards going out on Mondays too.

The other goal i worked on was become less scared of change, so i put “do things that scare me”, but then i wasn’t able to put anything else because i obviously dont think about what scares me! and we ran out of time to work on that sadly.

For the last bit of therapy we started mapping, which i do remember from my cbt before. Basically its working on the fact that a lot of our behaviours are learnt, because when we are born we are basically a blank canvas, and a lot of our behaviours good and bad are learnt in the younger years when you take things on so much easier. It doesn’t have to be a traumatic experience or anything like that, but just a small thing that you manage to pick up on can be enough, and it can turn into something you turn into something you have to do as you grow up. But its breaking these things down and figuring out whats caused your problems!

With that, my “home work” this week is too do 2 small goals, so one is to get it set to start seeing my nan on Fridays, and second is to phone the doctors! and finally make that appointment i really need.

This week felt like a week of progress, a week were it was time to start making sure that i actually moved forward not just talked about it! I have been feeling good lately, just wish me luck in staying that way.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – I wont give up.


Hey there! so first off, im sorry there wasn’t a therapy diaries last week, my mums car thought that just when i start getting out more would be the perfect moment to break down. So i wasn’t able to go to therapy annoyingly,thankfully all is sorted now!

Anyway, i went in today feeling a bit worried because i hadn’t done my “homework” the work she had set for me beforehand. And honestly that had been part avoidance and part just pure forgetfulness! im not forgetful normally but we all have those moments, and yes she did tell me off a little bit but i completely deserved that one!

Today we spoke about how i had felt the past couple of weeks, i explained how i had been pretty good but this past weekend i had struggled quite a bit.

See i suffer pretty heavily and quite often with loneliness, thing is that i have friends, but they are scattered all over the world and also due to my mental illnesses and such seeing anyone is tough.

The saying “you can feel like the loneliest person in the world in a room full of people” is very true. I love my friends, but i haven’t seen a friend in the flesh so to speak in 4 years. And us humans are at the base of it social creatures, we need social interaction we need that connection, and though i get some of that through voice and text online i dont get that connection that you only get when the person is in the same room. I miss it, i that feeling and i well i want it back.

We established that those moments, especially this past weekend sound more depression driven than anxiety. Which, im not overly surprised about, i have anxiety induced depression and have done for many years anyway.

We looked at the goals i need to make smart a bit, and that was the homework i didnt do. We worked at it a bit and then its again my homework, we worked on my goal of liking myself more and we have broke it down to treating myself more like i treat others in 3 months time. Well, at least being better at doing that!

The rest of the session (these sessions go so fast) we went through my pros of changing, cons of changing, pros of staying the same, cons of staying the same. The pros of course completely outweighed the cons, by a tonne, and the cons…there not worth it.

I really do feel like ive found my spark again lately, i dont feel quite as hopeless as i did. Right now as im writing this on Thursday night i feel, well better than i have in a while honestly.

Last week when i couldn’t go to therapy, i felt sad, i wanted to go. I even said to my mum, but i want to go. That alone is such a massive step, it shows that i have my fight back, and even though im scared etc im really determined that this time is it. This is the big difference i am going to make, and in the end ill get the life i want.

Because i really need to recover.

And, i want too.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Being a introverted extrovert with anxiety.


Hey there! so yeah, thats quite a title isn’t it? well, its a topic i want to touch on because i think theirs quite a few stereotypes that go along with having anxiety. And i also think a lot of people seem to think that you are either a extrovert or an introvert, but in fact i am proof you can very much be both!
ido lean on the side of extrovert for sure, but not fully, hence the introverted extrovert.

For as long as i can remember, ive been a people person, i love talking to people i love interacting and just generally having fun with people. I am often at my happiest when im around people that i love, and i get lonely very easily. As a child/teen and honestly if it wasn’t for the crippling anxiety i still would now, i loved preforming, singing/acting, i loved being on stage and quite frankly like the attention too.

However, i also have never liked crowds, never been a fan of parties or clubbing. My ideal night is playing video games with friends. And as ive grown up, my love the limelight has faded quite a bit, however i dont know if thats a change in me or because of my anxiety.

I think a lot of people tend to mix up anxiety and shyness, because thats one thing ive never really been! im not a shy person, as i said i love people,all of my problems with interacting with people have come from anxiety. Im really not a shy person, just a very anxious person!

To be honest, i think a lot of my introverted habits come from anxiety, but some of them have also always been there. Having introverted habits honestly have more then anything added too my anxiety, making it easier for me to just hide away.

But then my extroverted side, makes anxiety so much harder to deal with. I want to see people, i want to talk to them, i want to interact have fun and do things together yet due to anxiety and agoraphobia i cant, and that, god that really sucks.

Though of course, that gives me something to fight for you know? i want to socialise, and so to be able to do that i need to recover.

I doubt im the only one whos a bit of both, because lets face it theres so many people on this planet theres no way everyone fits into group A or group B you know? and thats true for me, i am group C! and thats alright.

Its just adding in anxiety that makes everything that much harder to deal with (thats a life motto right there). A people person scared of people is a bit difficult! i was worse a few years ago, i hated people, i had been fucked over one too many times and the result of that was someone who just, given up.

I had tried so hard to get somewhere and failed, so i stopped trying. I was quite happy to just curl up and rot away, i was done. A that, i cant explain what its like to feel like that, i felt like the world had given up on me so i gave up on the world.

Thankfully, due to going through my first round of therapy and meeting friends online i managed to drag myself out of that. My extroverted side will never be happy until i can meet up with people, until i can have fun and be happy again. And my introverted side will never be happy until i can curl up and watch a film by myself without panicking because my thoughts are too loud.

Basically, i wont be happy until im recovered, extroverted or introverted, group A,B or C i wont be happy until im in a much better place.

Its a damn good thing im stubborn and strong willed then really isnt it.

Cath x

What Makeup Means To Me.

Hey There! So, i think a lot of people would of rolled there eyes at the title of this post, but bare with me. Even in this day and age people can be so judgemental about makeup and peoples love of it, but for me makeup really has been so much more than just cosmetics over the years.

The early years.

Ive always loved makeup, from the moment my auntie got me a red heart shaped play makeup case when i was 5, i loved playing and messing with it. But it didnt play any kind of bigger part in my life than that at this point.

For years i did a small amount of makeup, powder, lipgloss, shimmery light eyeshadows that kind of thing, and always painting my nails!

But on my 14th birthday i asked my mum if she could help me choose a mascara, she helped me pick a brown one because im naturally ginger and it set me off on a massive makeup journey that year. By my 15th i was wearing full heavy smokey eyes daily.

The teen years.


From that moment that i tried out coloured mascara for the first time i was very hooked, i wore it daily and i quickly went from wearing just mascara daily too foundation, concealer, powder, eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara daily! this was also when my style went very goth/emo so of course enough eyeliner to put my chemical romance to shame was part of my uniform at that point.


My teen years where tough for a lot of reasons, my mental health issues became a real problem at this point and makeup for sure became my safety blanket. I would have a fit if it wouldn’t go right, i would get really frustrated when no one seemingly understood why makeup was so important. Too me, it was how i expressed myself, it was my identity, it was my trademark and the idea of not having that really upset me. It became a way that i coped, sometimes even re-doing my makeup a few times a day, It was extremely important to me and this was were makeup really got its importance for me. I wouldnt leave the house without it, when i started to volunteer and such having to do less makeup than my normal 50 tonnes of eyeliner wasnt something i was very happy about! I still managed to get away with more makeup than i think they wanted me too!

Growing up.

Getting my first job, i very quickly got my makeup routine down so that it was enough that i was comfortable, but it was quick (for me!) and i could do it at 6 in the morning if needed. Not wearing makeup wasnt an option still, but i knew exactly what i was doing now, these few years where i worked for sure was where i started to feel happier in myself and comfortable with the makeup i wore. I still wore it as an expression of myself, but it wasnt quite so much the comfort blanket it once was anymore.

Twenties.

And then my anxiety and the like barrelled back into my life full speed and things changed for me again. Makeup was my comfort and one of the ways i felt confident enough to face the outside world, it was my armour and the way i showed who i was. The worse my mental health has gotten the more ive lent on makeup as a way to feel ok, its a way i cope, its a way i calm down.


its also been a way ive reached so many other people, how ive made friends and been a part of amazing communities, doing youtube & blogging over the years has been amazing and not something i would ever want to stop, since coming back to blogging ive been reminded how much i love it.


But of course, due to it being so important to me its been a source of anxiety as well. My anxiety will tell me i dont deserve to have the makeup i do, or to play with it. It will tell me im no good at it, or that i shouldn’t even bother. I go through stages, and it sucks because i wish i could just have an easy relationship with something that i love so much.

As you can see, makeup as meant many different things to me over the years, but one thing thats been a continious theme is that its an expression of who i am. The smokey eyes, the purple, the glitter, its all me and thats my favourite thing about makeup, it can be so very personal and no one does there makeup quite like anyone else does.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – When the universe is loud.

Hey there! so i had therapy yesterday (well, today when im writing this). And i think its safe to say that the universe is trying to send me a message! i have to be honest, this has tended to happen when im in therapy, its interesting how it always seems to happen. I think the world is trying to tell me something, and it was today before therapy too.

First up, i was looking for a notebook, now of course i have a lot of notebooks but when i need one could i find one? course not. So i saw one that i knew was really used but i thought “oh well ill grab it put the paper with my goals i wrote out in and ill find a better notebook later”. Now my therapist last week asked me to find the work i did with my old therapist and bring it in, and honestly i had forgotten about this until this morning and didnt have time to go looking for it. But then, i grab this random notebook flip it open too see whats in it and sure enough, its full of the work i did with my old therapist, plus of course the page i flipped to is the work we did on goals.

Alright universe i hear you, no idea what your saying but i hear you.

But the universe wasnt done with me yet, my therapists offices are in this business park, and it has a reception that you go to and they call the office your there to see. When we went last week it was just a man in there, but walk in there today and sat at reception was someone i used to work with! in fact, i used to work with her in the best 2 years of my life, when i was at my happiest. It was a really weird parallel for me, going to therapy and seeing someone from my happiest years. She didnt say anything and neither did i, and im glad she didnt i dont know how i would of dealt with that, though i know she would know it was me, she has me on facebook.

Anyway, once the universe was done sending me weird messages i actually went to therapy! we worked more on goals again, going through some of the ones i had set for myself. It took me a week but i did set some for myself in the end, we went through the short term ones and we spoke about S.M.A.R.T goals, smart goals stands for –

S – specific
M – measurable
A – achievable
R – reachable
T – time bonds

Its basically a way of making sure that the goals you set for yourself are not wildly out of reach or too small either, basically a way to reign my goals in! this sounds really good for me as if i do set myself a goal i tend to over reach and go completely bonkers and crash and burn dramatically. Im hoping this will stop me from doing that.

We focused mainly on S.M.A.R.T goals today and talking about the ones i had set. It was interesting to remember how likely i am to go nuts with goals if i do try and do one, its making more and more sense that i avoid them everytime we talk about it!

So yeah im going away with the homework to break down some of the goals i made and to try and break down some of my thoughts (thats gonna go well). it went really well again, and the universe seems to approve!

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Is it time to forgive myself?


Hey there! so over the past few weeks things have finally been moving forward, i was on the waiting list for over a year to have therapy with something called Italk. They are half NHS half charity and they offer therapy and other help to those who need it, i had CBT with them back in 2015/2016. It really helped me then, we worked on getting me out the house, but i need a hand again, ill be starting therapy with them in 2 weeks and this time we are going to be looking at and working on my self esteem.

My self esteem as always been a rather big issue for me, honestly for as long as i can remember my self esteem has sucked big time. Ive always struggled with how i think about myself and how i view myself, but has time as gone on and ive had so many mental health issues my self esteem has continued going down to the point were i basically just dont have self esteem.

This effects me in a lot of ways, because with whatever im doing in recovery theres always a voice that says im not worth recovery or that i dont deserve to recover. And of course, my rational side knows thats bullshit and that everyone deserves to have a chance at what they want in life but anxiety isnt rational or logical!

So is it time i finally stopped listening to the voice that just likes to spout rubbish, and forgave myself? Because ive heavily laid all the blame for pretty much everything thats got me to this point at my own feet, and you know im thinking that maybe needs to stop. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, but i do need too stop over thinking what got me into this situation and move forward, stop blaming myself for this when its not my fault.

The way i see it is that throughout our lives we are dealt cards, and sometimes people get aces, kings queens and jacks and then some people get jokers. We dont always get the same cards, but we have to deal with what we are dealt, and its not my fault if ive had a string of bad luck.

so maybe its time i understand that and stop seeing myself as an enemy? finally say that im sorry to myself, because maybe if i finally take the steps to liking myself, or even just being some what ok with myself i will be happy with helping myself? i feel like its worth a try.

So,

Dear me,

Im sorry.

Im sorry for blaming you for things you couldnt control, im sorry for letting things happen that shouldnt as a punishment. Im sorry for not looking after you and im sorry ive been so mean to you, that changes now.

Love, me.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Is there a time limit?

Me in a much happier place on my 18th birthday.

Hey! So on the 14th of august i turn 26, and well this is always difficult for me. Ever since i was signed off from work 6 years ago my birthdays have always been so tough to deal with because it meant i was another year older and things were not any better for me.

And now, im 6 years on and my life doesn’t look any better, it looks different but not in a good way.

And of course, im in my mid-twenties now so i have hit that age were everyone else around my age are doing the moving in/buying houses/marrying/babies thing and honestly i dont use facebook much anymore because i just cant bare to see it much anymore.

I always said to myself that i wanted to have children before i was 30, but that is sadly a distant dream now. By this point in my life i wanted to be settled in a job, to have a partner, not be living at home etc but i dont have any of that. But is this silly? putting a time limit on myself?

The rational part of me says that putting a time limit on this kind of thing is silly. That you cant always control these things in life and sometimes you just have to try your best and things will happen when they are meant too.

The anxiety ridden part of me (which lets face it, is %99 of me) believes that at this point, i likely will not get at least some of the things in life that were very important to me. I’ve already lost 6 years, so what else will this take? it does feel like it will take everything else that i dont even have yet, but i want.

I’ve thought about it, what if i hadn’t found myself in this situation? would i have a partner now? Most likely, theres been a number of people i would of likely hit it off with had i been able to take it beyond a dating site. Would i have moved out? hopefully, you never know with money but i think so! And of course, would i be thinking about children yet? Yes, i know i would be, because i think about them and wish i could at least have the option now let alone if i was actually in a good enough place to have them.

I know, I know that thinking this way is a bad idea, i know that i shouldn’t be so concerned with what i always wanted my life to be. Ive seen the facebook posts, the “at 29 JK Rowling was a single mum about to be homeless”, I know that things can change on a whim, that good things can happen to you at any time in life, but just near my birthday i just dont always feel that way.

If im being honest, thats part of the reason as to why i started blogging again because i wanted something that could grow with me hopefully, and something that i could watch grow. I needed something more, and though this does mean ive put more on my plate its nice because im never thinking what should i do, and that is always dangerous!

So i think the answer to if theres a time limit is, it feels like there is, but i know that however it may feel, i have as much time as i want to have the things in life i want.

I can have my happy ending, i just have to believe that.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Hold onto your spark.

Its very easy to give up.

Anyone with mental illness will tell you, theres been a point when they have just wanted to let the illness win and give up. They havent been able to see any light at the end of the tunnel, no spark of hope and they just dont have the fight left. Yet, they have continued fighting all the same, that little spark showing its light once more.

I feel like im in limbo at the moment, i feel so completely stuck and it completely sucks. But it just hit me like a tonne of bricks, that even though i feel stuck, theres this different feeling too it now as well.

im pissed off!

it angers me, it fustrates me, im not just laying down and letting mental illness walk all over me. It can feel like i am, and it can look like i am, but im not because i havent said ok, you win. Im still fighting back, in fact over the past two years i really have got my fight back, i want to live a better life and i will do what i have too to get it.

Part of this is the carrot on a stick effect, i have friends now, from all over the world and i see them doing things and it makes me want those things too. And, it makes me want to meet them, knowing them online is awesome of course, but its been a very long time since ive had friends in “real life” and that, well that would mean everything, to just feel like a normal 20 something for once.

And, i keep fighting for the future i want. Ever since i was a little girl ive wanted to be a mum, its always been a big thing that ive wanted in my life for as long as i can remember and i will fight to be a mother one day. I also would like to be a foster mum one day, theres so many children out there who need a mum but for many reasons dont have one, i want to help them.

But i cant do any of this if i dont help myself first, and its fucking hard, it really bloody is but i will not be giving up. I am fully armoured and ready to face these motherfuckers face on, ive been doing it for years now and they are yet to win. And they wont.

If your in this situation, if you feel like giving up, find something, is it a job you want in the future? do you want children? do you want to travel? do you just want to be happy?

Find it, grab onto it and keep that spark close, our sparks can not go out if we dont let them. And if you find your spark is fading and you just cant anymore, reach out! there are so many of us all with a spark too, willing to help everyones shine bright.

Sparkle, your meant to shine.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – If Only I Was Ok.


Hey, so im sure from the name of my blog gave it away but i will regularly talk about mental health on my little blog here. Sometimes it may be something happening with me (like todays post) and sometimes it may be more general. Im calling this series emotionally broken, ive called mental health series that for a while now and it just makes sense!

So, I personally have suffered with mental Illness since i was 11 years old, currently i have severe generalised anxiety disorder, depression, agoraphobia and abnormal eating disorder. yep, quite the list!

Today, i wanted to talk about what ive been feeling over the past few days because i have been feeling many, many things and its a lot.

Its all been brought on because a few friends of mine that i have known for about 2 years are all meeting at a event tomorrow and well, i for obvious reasons am not there and it quite honestly? is fucking killing me.

Ive wanted to go to this event since the first one 3 years ago, The first one i watched via the steam (its a gamer event) feeling a mix of happiness and just…i dont know how to describe it. Because its not exactly jealously, i am so very happy for my friends, but i wish with every single part of me that i was there too.

6 years ago i was signed off from my job at the time, and since then my mental and physical health as just plummeted. Ive found ways to still have things in my life, the internet is my complete saviour but its just not the same.

I dont have a life, i dont live, i exist and god id give anything for that not to be the case. Id give everything just to have a normal day, take my problems for a day, let me have that 1 day and ill have them back for the rest of my life, thats fine ill take it. But it doesnt work like that, i cant do that.

Every event, every wedding, every baby, every good grade, every hoilday, hell every walk in the park i see someone do on social media i always think, “why cant i do that”.

i try, i try very hard to get better & good grief do i try my best to stay positive but sometimes? sometimes i just cant be anymore, sometimes like now, i just want to be a normal 25 year old, and live my life as i want too.

Im sorry for the way this post as gone, i didnt mean to get so emotional! but im not removing it, this is something i want to make sure gets out there, the truest rawest side of mental illness. Because it isnt pretty, it isnt nice and one thing is for sure, it isnt shown enough in its true form.

so welcome to emotionally broken, it wont be very happy, but it will be real.

Cath x

Picture used is not mine.