The Therapy Diaries – I wont give up.


Hey there! so first off, im sorry there wasn’t a therapy diaries last week, my mums car thought that just when i start getting out more would be the perfect moment to break down. So i wasn’t able to go to therapy annoyingly,thankfully all is sorted now!

Anyway, i went in today feeling a bit worried because i hadn’t done my “homework” the work she had set for me beforehand. And honestly that had been part avoidance and part just pure forgetfulness! im not forgetful normally but we all have those moments, and yes she did tell me off a little bit but i completely deserved that one!

Today we spoke about how i had felt the past couple of weeks, i explained how i had been pretty good but this past weekend i had struggled quite a bit.

See i suffer pretty heavily and quite often with loneliness, thing is that i have friends, but they are scattered all over the world and also due to my mental illnesses and such seeing anyone is tough.

The saying “you can feel like the loneliest person in the world in a room full of people” is very true. I love my friends, but i haven’t seen a friend in the flesh so to speak in 4 years. And us humans are at the base of it social creatures, we need social interaction we need that connection, and though i get some of that through voice and text online i dont get that connection that you only get when the person is in the same room. I miss it, i that feeling and i well i want it back.

We established that those moments, especially this past weekend sound more depression driven than anxiety. Which, im not overly surprised about, i have anxiety induced depression and have done for many years anyway.

We looked at the goals i need to make smart a bit, and that was the homework i didnt do. We worked at it a bit and then its again my homework, we worked on my goal of liking myself more and we have broke it down to treating myself more like i treat others in 3 months time. Well, at least being better at doing that!

The rest of the session (these sessions go so fast) we went through my pros of changing, cons of changing, pros of staying the same, cons of staying the same. The pros of course completely outweighed the cons, by a tonne, and the cons…there not worth it.

I really do feel like ive found my spark again lately, i dont feel quite as hopeless as i did. Right now as im writing this on Thursday night i feel, well better than i have in a while honestly.

Last week when i couldn’t go to therapy, i felt sad, i wanted to go. I even said to my mum, but i want to go. That alone is such a massive step, it shows that i have my fight back, and even though im scared etc im really determined that this time is it. This is the big difference i am going to make, and in the end ill get the life i want.

Because i really need to recover.

And, i want too.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Being a introverted extrovert with anxiety.


Hey there! so yeah, thats quite a title isn’t it? well, its a topic i want to touch on because i think theirs quite a few stereotypes that go along with having anxiety. And i also think a lot of people seem to think that you are either a extrovert or an introvert, but in fact i am proof you can very much be both!
ido lean on the side of extrovert for sure, but not fully, hence the introverted extrovert.

For as long as i can remember, ive been a people person, i love talking to people i love interacting and just generally having fun with people. I am often at my happiest when im around people that i love, and i get lonely very easily. As a child/teen and honestly if it wasn’t for the crippling anxiety i still would now, i loved preforming, singing/acting, i loved being on stage and quite frankly like the attention too.

However, i also have never liked crowds, never been a fan of parties or clubbing. My ideal night is playing video games with friends. And as ive grown up, my love the limelight has faded quite a bit, however i dont know if thats a change in me or because of my anxiety.

I think a lot of people tend to mix up anxiety and shyness, because thats one thing ive never really been! im not a shy person, as i said i love people,all of my problems with interacting with people have come from anxiety. Im really not a shy person, just a very anxious person!

To be honest, i think a lot of my introverted habits come from anxiety, but some of them have also always been there. Having introverted habits honestly have more then anything added too my anxiety, making it easier for me to just hide away.

But then my extroverted side, makes anxiety so much harder to deal with. I want to see people, i want to talk to them, i want to interact have fun and do things together yet due to anxiety and agoraphobia i cant, and that, god that really sucks.

Though of course, that gives me something to fight for you know? i want to socialise, and so to be able to do that i need to recover.

I doubt im the only one whos a bit of both, because lets face it theres so many people on this planet theres no way everyone fits into group A or group B you know? and thats true for me, i am group C! and thats alright.

Its just adding in anxiety that makes everything that much harder to deal with (thats a life motto right there). A people person scared of people is a bit difficult! i was worse a few years ago, i hated people, i had been fucked over one too many times and the result of that was someone who just, given up.

I had tried so hard to get somewhere and failed, so i stopped trying. I was quite happy to just curl up and rot away, i was done. A that, i cant explain what its like to feel like that, i felt like the world had given up on me so i gave up on the world.

Thankfully, due to going through my first round of therapy and meeting friends online i managed to drag myself out of that. My extroverted side will never be happy until i can meet up with people, until i can have fun and be happy again. And my introverted side will never be happy until i can curl up and watch a film by myself without panicking because my thoughts are too loud.

Basically, i wont be happy until im recovered, extroverted or introverted, group A,B or C i wont be happy until im in a much better place.

Its a damn good thing im stubborn and strong willed then really isnt it.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – When the universe is loud.

Hey there! so i had therapy yesterday (well, today when im writing this). And i think its safe to say that the universe is trying to send me a message! i have to be honest, this has tended to happen when im in therapy, its interesting how it always seems to happen. I think the world is trying to tell me something, and it was today before therapy too.

First up, i was looking for a notebook, now of course i have a lot of notebooks but when i need one could i find one? course not. So i saw one that i knew was really used but i thought “oh well ill grab it put the paper with my goals i wrote out in and ill find a better notebook later”. Now my therapist last week asked me to find the work i did with my old therapist and bring it in, and honestly i had forgotten about this until this morning and didnt have time to go looking for it. But then, i grab this random notebook flip it open too see whats in it and sure enough, its full of the work i did with my old therapist, plus of course the page i flipped to is the work we did on goals.

Alright universe i hear you, no idea what your saying but i hear you.

But the universe wasnt done with me yet, my therapists offices are in this business park, and it has a reception that you go to and they call the office your there to see. When we went last week it was just a man in there, but walk in there today and sat at reception was someone i used to work with! in fact, i used to work with her in the best 2 years of my life, when i was at my happiest. It was a really weird parallel for me, going to therapy and seeing someone from my happiest years. She didnt say anything and neither did i, and im glad she didnt i dont know how i would of dealt with that, though i know she would know it was me, she has me on facebook.

Anyway, once the universe was done sending me weird messages i actually went to therapy! we worked more on goals again, going through some of the ones i had set for myself. It took me a week but i did set some for myself in the end, we went through the short term ones and we spoke about S.M.A.R.T goals, smart goals stands for –

S – specific
M – measurable
A – achievable
R – reachable
T – time bonds

Its basically a way of making sure that the goals you set for yourself are not wildly out of reach or too small either, basically a way to reign my goals in! this sounds really good for me as if i do set myself a goal i tend to over reach and go completely bonkers and crash and burn dramatically. Im hoping this will stop me from doing that.

We focused mainly on S.M.A.R.T goals today and talking about the ones i had set. It was interesting to remember how likely i am to go nuts with goals if i do try and do one, its making more and more sense that i avoid them everytime we talk about it!

So yeah im going away with the homework to break down some of the goals i made and to try and break down some of my thoughts (thats gonna go well). it went really well again, and the universe seems to approve!

Cath x

The therapy diaries – My own worst enemy.


Hey there! so today is the start of a new series because on thursday i began therapy, for the second time in 3 years. 3 years ago i started CBT therapy to try and help me leave the house more, over the course of 16 sessions i did manage to do this, but very quickly once leaving in june 2016 fell into a spiral of staying at home again.

This time, we are working on my self esteem & also, why i tend to give off this aura of having given up on my situation ever improving.

Ill admit that though i didnt notice i was doing this while i was doing it, when i got in there i started stalling very quickly. She told me off the bat we would be coming up with and writing down some goals and without really thinking about it i stalled and talked about other things.

We spoke about how i felt i had my fight back a bit more now, that i dont feel like giving in as much as i did, but we did also speak about the fact that i still only find i can fight for others, and that i never really do it for myself due to how i think about myself. That i would really like to get into the situation were i can be recovering for myself, not just everyone else around me!

But then we hit the goals, i had seemingly avoided these for as long as i could so when she asked me for some goals i spoke about ones months and years down the line. Noticing this, she pointed it out and after a long old chat i had a light bulb moment, i didnt set goals for myself because in my eyes i was always going to fail them, i so i avoided them like the plaque, putting them far enough away that i didnt have to think about them.

She had a very good point, the goals i had made in CBT the first time 3 years ago, were they still 5/10 years away? and of course, they were.

I began to notice all the ways that i had without noticing avoided setting myself goals, preferring to avoid them heavily. It was then that there was another light bulb moment, it wasnt that i didnt want to get better, but it was that i was very scared about getting better so instead i hid. And she was right, i am very scared of getting better and my response is too hide away and pretend none of this is happening and nothing is changing. But of course i cant always do that, in the end regardless of how scary everything is, i cant put it off any longer i need too get better, but when you live so long like this, its scary to think you could possibly have a future outside of this. It feels like a fairytale, a weird dream to possibly be out of this situation at some point, its a massive change, and i think we all try and run from big scary changes.

So yeah, first session and already had a bit of a breakthrough! i wasnt expecting that honestly, but im glad it happened, i never saw how bad i was about goals until now.

I should be seeing her every thursday, so expect another instalment of this dairy every week!

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Is it time to forgive myself?


Hey there! so over the past few weeks things have finally been moving forward, i was on the waiting list for over a year to have therapy with something called Italk. They are half NHS half charity and they offer therapy and other help to those who need it, i had CBT with them back in 2015/2016. It really helped me then, we worked on getting me out the house, but i need a hand again, ill be starting therapy with them in 2 weeks and this time we are going to be looking at and working on my self esteem.

My self esteem as always been a rather big issue for me, honestly for as long as i can remember my self esteem has sucked big time. Ive always struggled with how i think about myself and how i view myself, but has time as gone on and ive had so many mental health issues my self esteem has continued going down to the point were i basically just dont have self esteem.

This effects me in a lot of ways, because with whatever im doing in recovery theres always a voice that says im not worth recovery or that i dont deserve to recover. And of course, my rational side knows thats bullshit and that everyone deserves to have a chance at what they want in life but anxiety isnt rational or logical!

So is it time i finally stopped listening to the voice that just likes to spout rubbish, and forgave myself? Because ive heavily laid all the blame for pretty much everything thats got me to this point at my own feet, and you know im thinking that maybe needs to stop. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, but i do need too stop over thinking what got me into this situation and move forward, stop blaming myself for this when its not my fault.

The way i see it is that throughout our lives we are dealt cards, and sometimes people get aces, kings queens and jacks and then some people get jokers. We dont always get the same cards, but we have to deal with what we are dealt, and its not my fault if ive had a string of bad luck.

so maybe its time i understand that and stop seeing myself as an enemy? finally say that im sorry to myself, because maybe if i finally take the steps to liking myself, or even just being some what ok with myself i will be happy with helping myself? i feel like its worth a try.

So,

Dear me,

Im sorry.

Im sorry for blaming you for things you couldnt control, im sorry for letting things happen that shouldnt as a punishment. Im sorry for not looking after you and im sorry ive been so mean to you, that changes now.

Love, me.

Cath x

My wax melt obsession & haul.



Hey there! so something a little different today but something i hope to show you all regularly! So back in the spring i posted in a beauty group im part of if anyone could recommend orange scented products, because i was finding that scent seemed to help calm my anxiety. I had a load of suggestions, and one of my friends suggested wax melts, especially the wax melt company bramble wax.

So after a lot of debate (i am not good at making choices!) i bit the bullet, and ordered a wax burner, tea lights and a large box of melts from bramble wax. And months down the line i regularly get a big box of wax melts! i am a complete convert to wax melts, and have indeed found that they help my anxiety a lot, i love a lot of the scents but i have a few favourite scents that i fall back on when my brain is really loosing it.

Bramble wax is a small family run company, you can find there etsy shop here and there facebook page here. All of there waxes are soy based, themed around various pop cultures (movies, books, games, music etc) they also do fortnightly menus of limited edition scents. Normal wax shot pots contain around 35g and cost around the £2 mark (some are £2.10) they do some scents in bigger sizes, and custom pies if you really have an all time favourite!

A very handy thing you can do which is what i do is open up a open box, it lasts for a month and it basically means that any orders you make in that month can go into that box up to 2kg (about 36 shot pots). i tend to do this every month, and am always very happy i do so! filling it with refills of my favourites, and limited editions scents as well.

So, has you can see above i had a rather large haul arrive, this was my first haul in a while as with the heat of the summer i haven’t really been burning too much plus they did have to close for a few weeks due to the heat! i am sorry about the not perfect picture, the sun made them look great but isnt obviously very good for them! anyway, haul.

yes same picture again, but just so that its easier for you too reference. 

going from top left –
Barkhang monastery (sample).
Let down your hair (heart string).
Rainbow splash (bramble snap).
Headmasters officer (shot pot).
Ruby slippers (limited edition).
Glass slippers (shot pot).
Cosmic jellies (limited edition).
x2 Leeloo (shot pot).
Peek at you (shot pot).
rapsicle (shot pot).
Peach perfect (limited edition).
Sun and moon (shot pot).
Life of pie (limited edition).
Flash A-ah (limited edition).
Time of my life (limited edition).
Romeo loves Juliet (limited edition).

As you can see, a fair few waxes! now as i said i bought them because i was finding smell was helping with my anxiety and i can hands down say these have really helped. My anxiety is a continuous problem im fighting and anything that helps calm me even a little is good, and these have for sure, some of my favourites are leeloo & hundred acre honey and they are my go my head is a mess help scents.

Honestly i couldn’t suggest wax melts enough, and bramble wax is a brilliant brand to go with if you want to get into them! i plan to show you my wax hauls from now on and i hope you enjoy!

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Learning how to stand up for yourself.

Hey, so for me one of my biggest issues that ive had through out my entire life honestly is that i can be quite the push over. I will always put everyone else first and saying no to someone has never been on the top of my skills list! When nasty people have come my way i tend to just take it and let it happen, never standing up and saying any different. Ive had many bad friendships in the past because i tend to never have enough strength i suppose to move on from bad relationships.

But over the past few years ive slowly began to get it a bit better, and now a days im much better at it than i used to be! i still tend to put everyone first, and i still struggle with saying no but im not walked over as much as i used too be.

And honestly? the biggest thing that has helped this is finding good friends and people that want to build me up, not down. I had become so used to knowing people that weren’t good for me it actually has taken me a long time to believe people and i still dont always fully believe it when my friends say nice things about me! Its not easy after you have spent most of your life being ok with your friends being your bullies.

Now, i have friends that have completely got my back, and having that kind of support does make it easier to tell the nastier people to fuck off! Another thing thats helped is running a group, i run a guild in world of warcraft (yes, my nerd is showing) and because of this you do have to be willing to tell people were to go sometimes. People need me to keep the group a safe happy place, you dont get that by being a doormat!

I have felt these days a new found attitude, now dont get me wrong im not suddenly a diva but ive found an attitude i really enjoy! a good example would be the other day, we kept getting these fake phonecalls from BT (we are not with them!) saying there was something wrong with our internet connection. I knew this wasnt true what so ever, but they kept phoning and after my mum answered the phone to them for the 3rd time in 5 minutes i asked her to hand the phone over and i said to them “our line is fine, i know your bullshitting us and if you dont stop phoning us i will call the police” just as i hung up i heard the person on the phone go “ok mam goodbye!”, safe to say they never phoned back!

I would of never have done that even a few months ago, im finding my oompf thats for sure and its a good feeling, it only took me 26 years! but it really does show how very important a good strong support system is. And of course ive had my family but thats different because family is your comfort zone, they dont really tend to push you forward were as the right kind of friends do.

It doesnt mean im perfect, standing up for myself tends to include a lot of stuttering, tears and chocolate but im much better than i used to be and the attitude ive developed to be honest is fun! and it hasnt got me in trouble….yet.

So if your like me, have a look at your life and figure out what is making you keep your mouth shut. Is it a past problem? family? friends? figure it out and sort it out, and then work on knowing when to say no! trust me, its worth it.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Is there a time limit?

Me in a much happier place on my 18th birthday.

Hey! So on the 14th of august i turn 26, and well this is always difficult for me. Ever since i was signed off from work 6 years ago my birthdays have always been so tough to deal with because it meant i was another year older and things were not any better for me.

And now, im 6 years on and my life doesn’t look any better, it looks different but not in a good way.

And of course, im in my mid-twenties now so i have hit that age were everyone else around my age are doing the moving in/buying houses/marrying/babies thing and honestly i dont use facebook much anymore because i just cant bare to see it much anymore.

I always said to myself that i wanted to have children before i was 30, but that is sadly a distant dream now. By this point in my life i wanted to be settled in a job, to have a partner, not be living at home etc but i dont have any of that. But is this silly? putting a time limit on myself?

The rational part of me says that putting a time limit on this kind of thing is silly. That you cant always control these things in life and sometimes you just have to try your best and things will happen when they are meant too.

The anxiety ridden part of me (which lets face it, is %99 of me) believes that at this point, i likely will not get at least some of the things in life that were very important to me. I’ve already lost 6 years, so what else will this take? it does feel like it will take everything else that i dont even have yet, but i want.

I’ve thought about it, what if i hadn’t found myself in this situation? would i have a partner now? Most likely, theres been a number of people i would of likely hit it off with had i been able to take it beyond a dating site. Would i have moved out? hopefully, you never know with money but i think so! And of course, would i be thinking about children yet? Yes, i know i would be, because i think about them and wish i could at least have the option now let alone if i was actually in a good enough place to have them.

I know, I know that thinking this way is a bad idea, i know that i shouldn’t be so concerned with what i always wanted my life to be. Ive seen the facebook posts, the “at 29 JK Rowling was a single mum about to be homeless”, I know that things can change on a whim, that good things can happen to you at any time in life, but just near my birthday i just dont always feel that way.

If im being honest, thats part of the reason as to why i started blogging again because i wanted something that could grow with me hopefully, and something that i could watch grow. I needed something more, and though this does mean ive put more on my plate its nice because im never thinking what should i do, and that is always dangerous!

So i think the answer to if theres a time limit is, it feels like there is, but i know that however it may feel, i have as much time as i want to have the things in life i want.

I can have my happy ending, i just have to believe that.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Hold onto your spark.

Its very easy to give up.

Anyone with mental illness will tell you, theres been a point when they have just wanted to let the illness win and give up. They havent been able to see any light at the end of the tunnel, no spark of hope and they just dont have the fight left. Yet, they have continued fighting all the same, that little spark showing its light once more.

I feel like im in limbo at the moment, i feel so completely stuck and it completely sucks. But it just hit me like a tonne of bricks, that even though i feel stuck, theres this different feeling too it now as well.

im pissed off!

it angers me, it fustrates me, im not just laying down and letting mental illness walk all over me. It can feel like i am, and it can look like i am, but im not because i havent said ok, you win. Im still fighting back, in fact over the past two years i really have got my fight back, i want to live a better life and i will do what i have too to get it.

Part of this is the carrot on a stick effect, i have friends now, from all over the world and i see them doing things and it makes me want those things too. And, it makes me want to meet them, knowing them online is awesome of course, but its been a very long time since ive had friends in “real life” and that, well that would mean everything, to just feel like a normal 20 something for once.

And, i keep fighting for the future i want. Ever since i was a little girl ive wanted to be a mum, its always been a big thing that ive wanted in my life for as long as i can remember and i will fight to be a mother one day. I also would like to be a foster mum one day, theres so many children out there who need a mum but for many reasons dont have one, i want to help them.

But i cant do any of this if i dont help myself first, and its fucking hard, it really bloody is but i will not be giving up. I am fully armoured and ready to face these motherfuckers face on, ive been doing it for years now and they are yet to win. And they wont.

If your in this situation, if you feel like giving up, find something, is it a job you want in the future? do you want children? do you want to travel? do you just want to be happy?

Find it, grab onto it and keep that spark close, our sparks can not go out if we dont let them. And if you find your spark is fading and you just cant anymore, reach out! there are so many of us all with a spark too, willing to help everyones shine bright.

Sparkle, your meant to shine.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – If Only I Was Ok.


Hey, so im sure from the name of my blog gave it away but i will regularly talk about mental health on my little blog here. Sometimes it may be something happening with me (like todays post) and sometimes it may be more general. Im calling this series emotionally broken, ive called mental health series that for a while now and it just makes sense!

So, I personally have suffered with mental Illness since i was 11 years old, currently i have severe generalised anxiety disorder, depression, agoraphobia and abnormal eating disorder. yep, quite the list!

Today, i wanted to talk about what ive been feeling over the past few days because i have been feeling many, many things and its a lot.

Its all been brought on because a few friends of mine that i have known for about 2 years are all meeting at a event tomorrow and well, i for obvious reasons am not there and it quite honestly? is fucking killing me.

Ive wanted to go to this event since the first one 3 years ago, The first one i watched via the steam (its a gamer event) feeling a mix of happiness and just…i dont know how to describe it. Because its not exactly jealously, i am so very happy for my friends, but i wish with every single part of me that i was there too.

6 years ago i was signed off from my job at the time, and since then my mental and physical health as just plummeted. Ive found ways to still have things in my life, the internet is my complete saviour but its just not the same.

I dont have a life, i dont live, i exist and god id give anything for that not to be the case. Id give everything just to have a normal day, take my problems for a day, let me have that 1 day and ill have them back for the rest of my life, thats fine ill take it. But it doesnt work like that, i cant do that.

Every event, every wedding, every baby, every good grade, every hoilday, hell every walk in the park i see someone do on social media i always think, “why cant i do that”.

i try, i try very hard to get better & good grief do i try my best to stay positive but sometimes? sometimes i just cant be anymore, sometimes like now, i just want to be a normal 25 year old, and live my life as i want too.

Im sorry for the way this post as gone, i didnt mean to get so emotional! but im not removing it, this is something i want to make sure gets out there, the truest rawest side of mental illness. Because it isnt pretty, it isnt nice and one thing is for sure, it isnt shown enough in its true form.

so welcome to emotionally broken, it wont be very happy, but it will be real.

Cath x

Picture used is not mine.