The Therapy Diaries – me before you.


Hey there! so this weeks therapy session i knew was going to be a bit jam packed because i had an awful lot to tell her! and that means, an awful lot to tell you.

So, next week there wont be a therapy diary because i got a letter on Saturday with an appointment for an assessment for my benefits. It wasn’t expected because i had one barely a year ago but yet here we go again! and of course its on a Thursday at the same time i would have therapy. Its very important i go to the assessment, so i have to miss therapy sadly! but you know, needs must.

Last friday i went over my Nans for the first time in ages, its going to be a regular once a week thing (with my mum) and it was really nice. It was nice to chat to her, and just hang out basically with another human being! i love my internet friends, but seeing someone face to face is important.

After my benefit letter on Saturday my automatic response was to panic, and not want to continue getting better at all. I didn’t want to go to therapy etc i just wanted to hide because i knew that any sign of improvement would be taken negatively against me in the assessment. But i fought past that, i didn’t want to be controlled but them so instead seeing as i had done so well i asked mum if we could go to costa on Monday.

And we did! it was without a doubt the worst anxiety day ive had for months, but i did manage it all the same, just about. I then also had the doctors on Tuesday, after my situation that i spoke about here i needed to get a second opinion, and thankfully this time i was listened too! hes looking into referring me to a sleep clinic and i should hear in a few days.

So with all this i had a lot to tell her!

My homework for this week had been to work on the rules and assumptions we had spoken about and add to them if i could. I was able to add one to the mix, and it turned out to be really important because it looks like the reason why i always put myself before anyone else and that im very protective.

She showed me the pacman theory today because i have been struggling with my self-esteem and thoughts of myself she wanted to show me this.

So the pacman theory is this, imagine a pacman –


Pacman here is a negative thought.

And this slice is negative reinforcement, something that fits very easily into the negative thought.


But this rectangle here is a positive reinforcement, something that doesn’t fit with the negative thought.

So instead, we either completely disregard the positive reinforcement or we distort the positive reinforcement to fit the negative thought.

So instead, we need to work so that instead of the negative thought we can create someone willing to take on positive thoughts instead.

It made an awful lot of sense to me, and its something i really hope i can work on and get better with.

So there you have it, ill have a different post for you next week instead of the therapy diary!

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – Confronting my hatred.


Hey there! So this week, i left therapy not feeling quite as on top of the world as i normally do. Now dont get me wrong, therapy went great but today’s session was the first session that was on the heavier side, and i left not feeling sad or anything, just thinking, and feeling like i had a lot to think about.

We worked on breaking things down, basically we start with life experiences when your a child, because so many of our life rules and beliefs start there.

I have a rather long list of these learnt behaviours, but we quickly found that a lot of them surround the idea of not being worth anything/not being good enough and not doing things at the level i should. Basically, they all come back to low self-esteem.

Each one had that same kind of theme, not perfect enough/not pretty enough/not worth enough/ not me enough it continued, on and on.

I know this is silly, i know its pretty damn obvious but…do i really hate myself that much?

Seeing it laid out on paper, it was scary, its one thing knowing how you feel about yourself but its another actually seeing it all worked out and written down. There in black and white was proof that i didn’t like myself, it wasn’t just something “in my head” it wasn’t fake or attention seeking, it was 100% true and my therapist was agreeing.

I watched an interview this morning about a voice actor who i am a big fan of, and he spoke very openly about having body dysmorphia. Body dysmorphic disorder is widely thought to only effect people with an eating disorder but it can effect anyone. However i do have an eating disorder, not that anyone knows what to call it! Basically BDD is continuous worrying about flaws on your body that no one can see, its seeing yourself in a light that no one else does.

Low self-esteem and BDD, thats a fun combo isn’t it?

I didn’t know getting into this topic would hit me as hard as it as, but its got under my skin quite a bit. Its silly, because ive known this about myself for years, but maybe its finally sunk in.

The night before therapy i was upset about my performance in the game that i play, and a friend was able to help me through it but that knocked me too. It was only recently that i learnt the term “imposter syndrome”, but once i learnt it i figured out that i feel like that so much. And it came tumbling out to my friend, when full of emotion i squeaked out that i felt like a fraud.

I post a makeup look and the positive comments come tumbling in, and that feels amazing but in the back of my head its continuously reminding me that im a fraud. How? no idea, considering i do the makeup myself, i take the pictures myself and then i upload them with the only editing being turning them the right way or cropping. But yet still, i feel like i dont deserve the nice comments.

I throw myself into everything i do, generally to the point of burn out or just stupid business. But i dont know how not too, because to me thats the only way i can be remotely, enough.

And ive just noticed i started going on a ramble, but i suppose i needed it. I wasnt really sure how to start writing today, but this is what its turned into! thats ok, as much as i hope these posts help others, it is also a virtual diary for me to look back on and hopefully see how far ive come one day. I hope so, anyway.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – Making steps.


Hey there! so i had therapy on Thursday, though i went one better this Thursday as it was half term over here in the UK so my mum was off work. So after therapy we went to poundland too! doing more than one thing when i go out i find very tough, and going around a shop is still really difficult for me but im getting there and i did well with poundland.

Anyways, in therapy itself! i brought up a bit of an issue ive been having, i mentioned a little while ago about my issue with randomly falling asleep without warning and that i was going to go see a different doctor. Well….i haven’t made an appointment yet. Im scared, scared that i go to see this doctor and i get the same reaction my own GP gave me, scared that im never gonna be taken seriously purely because im fat.

I explained this to my therapist and basically it wasn’t so much that i needed her to say anything it was more i think airing out what was in my head. We moved on from that, but i will come back to it at the end!

my “homework” had been to read this piece of text called the poisoned parrot, the parrot being low self-esteem. It really does hit home and make a lot of sense! so we spoke about that a little bit before we looked at what i had done with my goals, she wanted me to break them down a bit more so i did, i basically squished two goals into one because they are intertwined.

I put my goal “get out more often” and “become more independent” together because for the most part i am pretty independent, the big problem comes with getting out and being out so ive got short term goals now like “go to a different shop from mum” and things like that. As for the getting out more often, i broke that down into two goals, which is to start seeing my nan on Fridays, and to work towards going out on Mondays too.

The other goal i worked on was become less scared of change, so i put “do things that scare me”, but then i wasn’t able to put anything else because i obviously dont think about what scares me! and we ran out of time to work on that sadly.

For the last bit of therapy we started mapping, which i do remember from my cbt before. Basically its working on the fact that a lot of our behaviours are learnt, because when we are born we are basically a blank canvas, and a lot of our behaviours good and bad are learnt in the younger years when you take things on so much easier. It doesn’t have to be a traumatic experience or anything like that, but just a small thing that you manage to pick up on can be enough, and it can turn into something you turn into something you have to do as you grow up. But its breaking these things down and figuring out whats caused your problems!

With that, my “home work” this week is too do 2 small goals, so one is to get it set to start seeing my nan on Fridays, and second is to phone the doctors! and finally make that appointment i really need.

This week felt like a week of progress, a week were it was time to start making sure that i actually moved forward not just talked about it! I have been feeling good lately, just wish me luck in staying that way.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – I wont give up.


Hey there! so first off, im sorry there wasn’t a therapy diaries last week, my mums car thought that just when i start getting out more would be the perfect moment to break down. So i wasn’t able to go to therapy annoyingly,thankfully all is sorted now!

Anyway, i went in today feeling a bit worried because i hadn’t done my “homework” the work she had set for me beforehand. And honestly that had been part avoidance and part just pure forgetfulness! im not forgetful normally but we all have those moments, and yes she did tell me off a little bit but i completely deserved that one!

Today we spoke about how i had felt the past couple of weeks, i explained how i had been pretty good but this past weekend i had struggled quite a bit.

See i suffer pretty heavily and quite often with loneliness, thing is that i have friends, but they are scattered all over the world and also due to my mental illnesses and such seeing anyone is tough.

The saying “you can feel like the loneliest person in the world in a room full of people” is very true. I love my friends, but i haven’t seen a friend in the flesh so to speak in 4 years. And us humans are at the base of it social creatures, we need social interaction we need that connection, and though i get some of that through voice and text online i dont get that connection that you only get when the person is in the same room. I miss it, i that feeling and i well i want it back.

We established that those moments, especially this past weekend sound more depression driven than anxiety. Which, im not overly surprised about, i have anxiety induced depression and have done for many years anyway.

We looked at the goals i need to make smart a bit, and that was the homework i didnt do. We worked at it a bit and then its again my homework, we worked on my goal of liking myself more and we have broke it down to treating myself more like i treat others in 3 months time. Well, at least being better at doing that!

The rest of the session (these sessions go so fast) we went through my pros of changing, cons of changing, pros of staying the same, cons of staying the same. The pros of course completely outweighed the cons, by a tonne, and the cons…there not worth it.

I really do feel like ive found my spark again lately, i dont feel quite as hopeless as i did. Right now as im writing this on Thursday night i feel, well better than i have in a while honestly.

Last week when i couldn’t go to therapy, i felt sad, i wanted to go. I even said to my mum, but i want to go. That alone is such a massive step, it shows that i have my fight back, and even though im scared etc im really determined that this time is it. This is the big difference i am going to make, and in the end ill get the life i want.

Because i really need to recover.

And, i want too.

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Being a introverted extrovert with anxiety.


Hey there! so yeah, thats quite a title isn’t it? well, its a topic i want to touch on because i think theirs quite a few stereotypes that go along with having anxiety. And i also think a lot of people seem to think that you are either a extrovert or an introvert, but in fact i am proof you can very much be both!
ido lean on the side of extrovert for sure, but not fully, hence the introverted extrovert.

For as long as i can remember, ive been a people person, i love talking to people i love interacting and just generally having fun with people. I am often at my happiest when im around people that i love, and i get lonely very easily. As a child/teen and honestly if it wasn’t for the crippling anxiety i still would now, i loved preforming, singing/acting, i loved being on stage and quite frankly like the attention too.

However, i also have never liked crowds, never been a fan of parties or clubbing. My ideal night is playing video games with friends. And as ive grown up, my love the limelight has faded quite a bit, however i dont know if thats a change in me or because of my anxiety.

I think a lot of people tend to mix up anxiety and shyness, because thats one thing ive never really been! im not a shy person, as i said i love people,all of my problems with interacting with people have come from anxiety. Im really not a shy person, just a very anxious person!

To be honest, i think a lot of my introverted habits come from anxiety, but some of them have also always been there. Having introverted habits honestly have more then anything added too my anxiety, making it easier for me to just hide away.

But then my extroverted side, makes anxiety so much harder to deal with. I want to see people, i want to talk to them, i want to interact have fun and do things together yet due to anxiety and agoraphobia i cant, and that, god that really sucks.

Though of course, that gives me something to fight for you know? i want to socialise, and so to be able to do that i need to recover.

I doubt im the only one whos a bit of both, because lets face it theres so many people on this planet theres no way everyone fits into group A or group B you know? and thats true for me, i am group C! and thats alright.

Its just adding in anxiety that makes everything that much harder to deal with (thats a life motto right there). A people person scared of people is a bit difficult! i was worse a few years ago, i hated people, i had been fucked over one too many times and the result of that was someone who just, given up.

I had tried so hard to get somewhere and failed, so i stopped trying. I was quite happy to just curl up and rot away, i was done. A that, i cant explain what its like to feel like that, i felt like the world had given up on me so i gave up on the world.

Thankfully, due to going through my first round of therapy and meeting friends online i managed to drag myself out of that. My extroverted side will never be happy until i can meet up with people, until i can have fun and be happy again. And my introverted side will never be happy until i can curl up and watch a film by myself without panicking because my thoughts are too loud.

Basically, i wont be happy until im recovered, extroverted or introverted, group A,B or C i wont be happy until im in a much better place.

Its a damn good thing im stubborn and strong willed then really isnt it.

Cath x

The Therapy Diaries – When the universe is loud.

Hey there! so i had therapy yesterday (well, today when im writing this). And i think its safe to say that the universe is trying to send me a message! i have to be honest, this has tended to happen when im in therapy, its interesting how it always seems to happen. I think the world is trying to tell me something, and it was today before therapy too.

First up, i was looking for a notebook, now of course i have a lot of notebooks but when i need one could i find one? course not. So i saw one that i knew was really used but i thought “oh well ill grab it put the paper with my goals i wrote out in and ill find a better notebook later”. Now my therapist last week asked me to find the work i did with my old therapist and bring it in, and honestly i had forgotten about this until this morning and didnt have time to go looking for it. But then, i grab this random notebook flip it open too see whats in it and sure enough, its full of the work i did with my old therapist, plus of course the page i flipped to is the work we did on goals.

Alright universe i hear you, no idea what your saying but i hear you.

But the universe wasnt done with me yet, my therapists offices are in this business park, and it has a reception that you go to and they call the office your there to see. When we went last week it was just a man in there, but walk in there today and sat at reception was someone i used to work with! in fact, i used to work with her in the best 2 years of my life, when i was at my happiest. It was a really weird parallel for me, going to therapy and seeing someone from my happiest years. She didnt say anything and neither did i, and im glad she didnt i dont know how i would of dealt with that, though i know she would know it was me, she has me on facebook.

Anyway, once the universe was done sending me weird messages i actually went to therapy! we worked more on goals again, going through some of the ones i had set for myself. It took me a week but i did set some for myself in the end, we went through the short term ones and we spoke about S.M.A.R.T goals, smart goals stands for –

S – specific
M – measurable
A – achievable
R – reachable
T – time bonds

Its basically a way of making sure that the goals you set for yourself are not wildly out of reach or too small either, basically a way to reign my goals in! this sounds really good for me as if i do set myself a goal i tend to over reach and go completely bonkers and crash and burn dramatically. Im hoping this will stop me from doing that.

We focused mainly on S.M.A.R.T goals today and talking about the ones i had set. It was interesting to remember how likely i am to go nuts with goals if i do try and do one, its making more and more sense that i avoid them everytime we talk about it!

So yeah im going away with the homework to break down some of the goals i made and to try and break down some of my thoughts (thats gonna go well). it went really well again, and the universe seems to approve!

Cath x

The therapy diaries – My own worst enemy.


Hey there! so today is the start of a new series because on thursday i began therapy, for the second time in 3 years. 3 years ago i started CBT therapy to try and help me leave the house more, over the course of 16 sessions i did manage to do this, but very quickly once leaving in june 2016 fell into a spiral of staying at home again.

This time, we are working on my self esteem & also, why i tend to give off this aura of having given up on my situation ever improving.

Ill admit that though i didnt notice i was doing this while i was doing it, when i got in there i started stalling very quickly. She told me off the bat we would be coming up with and writing down some goals and without really thinking about it i stalled and talked about other things.

We spoke about how i felt i had my fight back a bit more now, that i dont feel like giving in as much as i did, but we did also speak about the fact that i still only find i can fight for others, and that i never really do it for myself due to how i think about myself. That i would really like to get into the situation were i can be recovering for myself, not just everyone else around me!

But then we hit the goals, i had seemingly avoided these for as long as i could so when she asked me for some goals i spoke about ones months and years down the line. Noticing this, she pointed it out and after a long old chat i had a light bulb moment, i didnt set goals for myself because in my eyes i was always going to fail them, i so i avoided them like the plaque, putting them far enough away that i didnt have to think about them.

She had a very good point, the goals i had made in CBT the first time 3 years ago, were they still 5/10 years away? and of course, they were.

I began to notice all the ways that i had without noticing avoided setting myself goals, preferring to avoid them heavily. It was then that there was another light bulb moment, it wasnt that i didnt want to get better, but it was that i was very scared about getting better so instead i hid. And she was right, i am very scared of getting better and my response is too hide away and pretend none of this is happening and nothing is changing. But of course i cant always do that, in the end regardless of how scary everything is, i cant put it off any longer i need too get better, but when you live so long like this, its scary to think you could possibly have a future outside of this. It feels like a fairytale, a weird dream to possibly be out of this situation at some point, its a massive change, and i think we all try and run from big scary changes.

So yeah, first session and already had a bit of a breakthrough! i wasnt expecting that honestly, but im glad it happened, i never saw how bad i was about goals until now.

I should be seeing her every thursday, so expect another instalment of this dairy every week!

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Is it time to forgive myself?


Hey there! so over the past few weeks things have finally been moving forward, i was on the waiting list for over a year to have therapy with something called Italk. They are half NHS half charity and they offer therapy and other help to those who need it, i had CBT with them back in 2015/2016. It really helped me then, we worked on getting me out the house, but i need a hand again, ill be starting therapy with them in 2 weeks and this time we are going to be looking at and working on my self esteem.

My self esteem as always been a rather big issue for me, honestly for as long as i can remember my self esteem has sucked big time. Ive always struggled with how i think about myself and how i view myself, but has time as gone on and ive had so many mental health issues my self esteem has continued going down to the point were i basically just dont have self esteem.

This effects me in a lot of ways, because with whatever im doing in recovery theres always a voice that says im not worth recovery or that i dont deserve to recover. And of course, my rational side knows thats bullshit and that everyone deserves to have a chance at what they want in life but anxiety isnt rational or logical!

So is it time i finally stopped listening to the voice that just likes to spout rubbish, and forgave myself? Because ive heavily laid all the blame for pretty much everything thats got me to this point at my own feet, and you know im thinking that maybe needs to stop. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, but i do need too stop over thinking what got me into this situation and move forward, stop blaming myself for this when its not my fault.

The way i see it is that throughout our lives we are dealt cards, and sometimes people get aces, kings queens and jacks and then some people get jokers. We dont always get the same cards, but we have to deal with what we are dealt, and its not my fault if ive had a string of bad luck.

so maybe its time i understand that and stop seeing myself as an enemy? finally say that im sorry to myself, because maybe if i finally take the steps to liking myself, or even just being some what ok with myself i will be happy with helping myself? i feel like its worth a try.

So,

Dear me,

Im sorry.

Im sorry for blaming you for things you couldnt control, im sorry for letting things happen that shouldnt as a punishment. Im sorry for not looking after you and im sorry ive been so mean to you, that changes now.

Love, me.

Cath x

My wax melt obsession & haul.



Hey there! so something a little different today but something i hope to show you all regularly! So back in the spring i posted in a beauty group im part of if anyone could recommend orange scented products, because i was finding that scent seemed to help calm my anxiety. I had a load of suggestions, and one of my friends suggested wax melts, especially the wax melt company bramble wax.

So after a lot of debate (i am not good at making choices!) i bit the bullet, and ordered a wax burner, tea lights and a large box of melts from bramble wax. And months down the line i regularly get a big box of wax melts! i am a complete convert to wax melts, and have indeed found that they help my anxiety a lot, i love a lot of the scents but i have a few favourite scents that i fall back on when my brain is really loosing it.

Bramble wax is a small family run company, you can find there etsy shop here and there facebook page here. All of there waxes are soy based, themed around various pop cultures (movies, books, games, music etc) they also do fortnightly menus of limited edition scents. Normal wax shot pots contain around 35g and cost around the £2 mark (some are £2.10) they do some scents in bigger sizes, and custom pies if you really have an all time favourite!

A very handy thing you can do which is what i do is open up a open box, it lasts for a month and it basically means that any orders you make in that month can go into that box up to 2kg (about 36 shot pots). i tend to do this every month, and am always very happy i do so! filling it with refills of my favourites, and limited editions scents as well.

So, has you can see above i had a rather large haul arrive, this was my first haul in a while as with the heat of the summer i haven’t really been burning too much plus they did have to close for a few weeks due to the heat! i am sorry about the not perfect picture, the sun made them look great but isnt obviously very good for them! anyway, haul.

yes same picture again, but just so that its easier for you too reference. 

going from top left –
Barkhang monastery (sample).
Let down your hair (heart string).
Rainbow splash (bramble snap).
Headmasters officer (shot pot).
Ruby slippers (limited edition).
Glass slippers (shot pot).
Cosmic jellies (limited edition).
x2 Leeloo (shot pot).
Peek at you (shot pot).
rapsicle (shot pot).
Peach perfect (limited edition).
Sun and moon (shot pot).
Life of pie (limited edition).
Flash A-ah (limited edition).
Time of my life (limited edition).
Romeo loves Juliet (limited edition).

As you can see, a fair few waxes! now as i said i bought them because i was finding smell was helping with my anxiety and i can hands down say these have really helped. My anxiety is a continuous problem im fighting and anything that helps calm me even a little is good, and these have for sure, some of my favourites are leeloo & hundred acre honey and they are my go my head is a mess help scents.

Honestly i couldn’t suggest wax melts enough, and bramble wax is a brilliant brand to go with if you want to get into them! i plan to show you my wax hauls from now on and i hope you enjoy!

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Learning how to stand up for yourself.

Hey, so for me one of my biggest issues that ive had through out my entire life honestly is that i can be quite the push over. I will always put everyone else first and saying no to someone has never been on the top of my skills list! When nasty people have come my way i tend to just take it and let it happen, never standing up and saying any different. Ive had many bad friendships in the past because i tend to never have enough strength i suppose to move on from bad relationships.

But over the past few years ive slowly began to get it a bit better, and now a days im much better at it than i used to be! i still tend to put everyone first, and i still struggle with saying no but im not walked over as much as i used too be.

And honestly? the biggest thing that has helped this is finding good friends and people that want to build me up, not down. I had become so used to knowing people that weren’t good for me it actually has taken me a long time to believe people and i still dont always fully believe it when my friends say nice things about me! Its not easy after you have spent most of your life being ok with your friends being your bullies.

Now, i have friends that have completely got my back, and having that kind of support does make it easier to tell the nastier people to fuck off! Another thing thats helped is running a group, i run a guild in world of warcraft (yes, my nerd is showing) and because of this you do have to be willing to tell people were to go sometimes. People need me to keep the group a safe happy place, you dont get that by being a doormat!

I have felt these days a new found attitude, now dont get me wrong im not suddenly a diva but ive found an attitude i really enjoy! a good example would be the other day, we kept getting these fake phonecalls from BT (we are not with them!) saying there was something wrong with our internet connection. I knew this wasnt true what so ever, but they kept phoning and after my mum answered the phone to them for the 3rd time in 5 minutes i asked her to hand the phone over and i said to them “our line is fine, i know your bullshitting us and if you dont stop phoning us i will call the police” just as i hung up i heard the person on the phone go “ok mam goodbye!”, safe to say they never phoned back!

I would of never have done that even a few months ago, im finding my oompf thats for sure and its a good feeling, it only took me 26 years! but it really does show how very important a good strong support system is. And of course ive had my family but thats different because family is your comfort zone, they dont really tend to push you forward were as the right kind of friends do.

It doesnt mean im perfect, standing up for myself tends to include a lot of stuttering, tears and chocolate but im much better than i used to be and the attitude ive developed to be honest is fun! and it hasnt got me in trouble….yet.

So if your like me, have a look at your life and figure out what is making you keep your mouth shut. Is it a past problem? family? friends? figure it out and sort it out, and then work on knowing when to say no! trust me, its worth it.

Cath x