Emotionally Broken – If Only I Was Ok.


Hey, so im sure from the name of my blog gave it away but i will regularly talk about mental health on my little blog here. Sometimes it may be something happening with me (like todays post) and sometimes it may be more general. Im calling this series emotionally broken, ive called mental health series that for a while now and it just makes sense!

So, I personally have suffered with mental Illness since i was 11 years old, currently i have severe generalised anxiety disorder, depression, agoraphobia and abnormal eating disorder. yep, quite the list!

Today, i wanted to talk about what ive been feeling over the past few days because i have been feeling many, many things and its a lot.

Its all been brought on because a few friends of mine that i have known for about 2 years are all meeting at a event tomorrow and well, i for obvious reasons am not there and it quite honestly? is fucking killing me.

Ive wanted to go to this event since the first one 3 years ago, The first one i watched via the steam (its a gamer event) feeling a mix of happiness and just…i dont know how to describe it. Because its not exactly jealously, i am so very happy for my friends, but i wish with every single part of me that i was there too.

6 years ago i was signed off from my job at the time, and since then my mental and physical health as just plummeted. Ive found ways to still have things in my life, the internet is my complete saviour but its just not the same.

I dont have a life, i dont live, i exist and god id give anything for that not to be the case. Id give everything just to have a normal day, take my problems for a day, let me have that 1 day and ill have them back for the rest of my life, thats fine ill take it. But it doesnt work like that, i cant do that.

Every event, every wedding, every baby, every good grade, every hoilday, hell every walk in the park i see someone do on social media i always think, “why cant i do that”.

i try, i try very hard to get better & good grief do i try my best to stay positive but sometimes? sometimes i just cant be anymore, sometimes like now, i just want to be a normal 25 year old, and live my life as i want too.

Im sorry for the way this post as gone, i didnt mean to get so emotional! but im not removing it, this is something i want to make sure gets out there, the truest rawest side of mental illness. Because it isnt pretty, it isnt nice and one thing is for sure, it isnt shown enough in its true form.

so welcome to emotionally broken, it wont be very happy, but it will be real.

Cath x

Picture used is not mine.

Author: Cath

Hello there! Im cath, and this is my little space on the internet, enjoy!

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