Hey there! so over the past few weeks things have finally been moving forward, i was on the waiting list for over a year to have therapy with something called Italk. They are half NHS half charity and they offer therapy and other help to those who need it, i had CBT with them back in 2015/2016. It really helped me then, we worked on getting me out the house, but i need a hand again, ill be starting therapy with them in 2 weeks and this time we are going to be looking at and working on my self esteem.
My self esteem as always been a rather big issue for me, honestly for as long as i can remember my self esteem has sucked big time. Ive always struggled with how i think about myself and how i view myself, but has time as gone on and ive had so many mental health issues my self esteem has continued going down to the point were i basically just dont have self esteem.
This effects me in a lot of ways, because with whatever im doing in recovery theres always a voice that says im not worth recovery or that i dont deserve to recover. And of course, my rational side knows thats bullshit and that everyone deserves to have a chance at what they want in life but anxiety isnt rational or logical!
So is it time i finally stopped listening to the voice that just likes to spout rubbish, and forgave myself? Because ive heavily laid all the blame for pretty much everything thats got me to this point at my own feet, and you know im thinking that maybe needs to stop. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, but i do need too stop over thinking what got me into this situation and move forward, stop blaming myself for this when its not my fault.
The way i see it is that throughout our lives we are dealt cards, and sometimes people get aces, kings queens and jacks and then some people get jokers. We dont always get the same cards, but we have to deal with what we are dealt, and its not my fault if ive had a string of bad luck.
so maybe its time i understand that and stop seeing myself as an enemy? finally say that im sorry to myself, because maybe if i finally take the steps to liking myself, or even just being some what ok with myself i will be happy with helping myself? i feel like its worth a try.
Im sorry for blaming you for things you couldnt control, im sorry for letting things happen that shouldnt as a punishment. Im sorry for not looking after you and im sorry ive been so mean to you, that changes now.