The therapy diaries – My own worst enemy.

Hey there! so today is the start of a new series because on thursday i began therapy, for the second time in 3 years. 3 years ago i started CBT therapy to try and help me leave the house more, over the course of 16 sessions i did manage to do this, but very quickly once leaving in june 2016 fell into a spiral of staying at home again.

This time, we are working on my self esteem & also, why i tend to give off this aura of having given up on my situation ever improving.

Ill admit that though i didnt notice i was doing this while i was doing it, when i got in there i started stalling very quickly. She told me off the bat we would be coming up with and writing down some goals and without really thinking about it i stalled and talked about other things.

We spoke about how i felt i had my fight back a bit more now, that i dont feel like giving in as much as i did, but we did also speak about the fact that i still only find i can fight for others, and that i never really do it for myself due to how i think about myself. That i would really like to get into the situation were i can be recovering for myself, not just everyone else around me!

But then we hit the goals, i had seemingly avoided these for as long as i could so when she asked me for some goals i spoke about ones months and years down the line. Noticing this, she pointed it out and after a long old chat i had a light bulb moment, i didnt set goals for myself because in my eyes i was always going to fail them, i so i avoided them like the plaque, putting them far enough away that i didnt have to think about them.

She had a very good point, the goals i had made in CBT the first time 3 years ago, were they still 5/10 years away? and of course, they were.

I began to notice all the ways that i had without noticing avoided setting myself goals, preferring to avoid them heavily. It was then that there was another light bulb moment, it wasnt that i didnt want to get better, but it was that i was very scared about getting better so instead i hid. And she was right, i am very scared of getting better and my response is too hide away and pretend none of this is happening and nothing is changing. But of course i cant always do that, in the end regardless of how scary everything is, i cant put it off any longer i need too get better, but when you live so long like this, its scary to think you could possibly have a future outside of this. It feels like a fairytale, a weird dream to possibly be out of this situation at some point, its a massive change, and i think we all try and run from big scary changes.

So yeah, first session and already had a bit of a breakthrough! i wasnt expecting that honestly, but im glad it happened, i never saw how bad i was about goals until now.

I should be seeing her every thursday, so expect another instalment of this dairy every week!

Cath x

Pink Parcel September 2018.

hey there! so today im gonna show you septembers pink parcel, ive done posts for previous pink parcels too, if you dont know what it is its a monthly subscription service, for around £10 a month you get a large amount of your period product of choice (pads or tampons, brand, flow etc) and a little box of goodies too, always containing a sweet treat & and a tea/coffee of some sort.

Ive been getting pink parcel for over a year now and i really like it, its a brilliant way to get all the pads you need and a little treat too! Every month there is a theme, and this months theme is the eve appeal, if you dont know about the eve appeal you can read about here but basically it is the UKs gynaecological cancer research charity, helping to raise funds for research and raising awareness of course its a very special and brilliant cause to support!

Anyway, lets see what i got in this months box.

Ill be honest that this month, i did open this box before i took pictures (i know, how could i) because when it arrived i wasnt able to take pictures straight away and i wanted too see!

Anyway, first up the tea/coffee thing this month is the drink me chai free from chai latte £2.50 (for 200mg, we get 18g), im not a coffee or tea drinker but nice to see a dairy free alternative drink in here!

Our sweet treat this month is the seed and bean the little one cornish sea salt and line milk chocolate £2.69 (for 85g we get 25g), i really like salt, like slightly stupid levels like, and i really like salted chocolate so looking forward to trying this!

So first up we have a mini of Percy & Reed invisible dry shampoo £12.50 (for 150ml, we get 50ml). As soon as i saw a percy & reed product i knew it would be a dry shampoo which im a little sad about, dry shampoo always seems to be what is given out and i dont use it so its a bit meh. Also i dont know why but the cap on the mini bottle is very strange, as if they have stuffed a cap that doesnt belong on the bottle on!

Next up we have the skinchemists rose quartz lip plump £24.90 that we got the full size of, i am very curious about this product! im not that bothered about lip plumping products, ive always been fine with the size of my lips but rose quartz? now your talking! as i am a big gemstone fan. Its a very pretty looking lip gloss that goes on clear like a balm, its plumping is done using peppermint so it has that classic tingle, it doesnt hurt at all though it does smell a bit like deep heat! i dont know if i see much difference but the blood has been brought to the surface for sure.

A tiny little sample of Anatomicals no old bags allowed eye gel £4.79 (for 15ml we got 5ml), ive loved anatomicals for years, i feel like its a very underrated brand so im glad to see this here! ive wanted to try an eye cream again lately, so im glad this was in here.

we have a mask in the form of the Beautypro nourishing collagen mask with olive extract £4.95, we have had beautypro sheet masks before and i remember liking it, this one contains olive extract which sounds interesting!

Finally we have a mini pixi endless silky eye pen in blacknoir £12.50 (for 1.8g we got 0.8g), i was very excited to see this in here and have actually already used it! i have used the endless silky eye pens before and i love them, i used my last one down to the very last bit, these are super long lasting, very black and creamy and just so good! i really love these liners.

So there you have it! Septembers pink parcel, do you get any monthly boxes?

Cath x

Suu Balm

Hey there! so a few weeks ago i was lucky enough to be sent a tube of suu balm to try. Suu balm is a moisturiser developed by Dr Tey Hong Liang, who runs the itch clinic at the national skin centre in singapore (i know). He made the suu balm after he found that the creams currently on the market none of them soothed an itch effectively.

Suu balm is a moisturising cream designed with menthol which helps cool and ease the itching feeling, meaning people would want to apply the ceramide rich cream more meaning the ceramides could help repair the skins barrier quicker.

Has soon as i heard about suu balm i wanted to give it a go, its designed for people with all kinds of skin issues that causes itching from eczema, psoriasis, sensitive skin, dry skin you name it! ive suffered with dry itchy skin on my body for as long as i can remember, its something that both me and my brother suffer with (thanks dad). A lot of creams tend to upset my skin over actually soothe it and a lot of them i end up washing off.

I wondered how thick this would be considering its called a balm but in fact its no different really to any other cream when you first squeeze some out. It goes on really nicely its not overly heavy or greasy which is a god send because if you have had creams for eczema from the doctors you will know that really itchy uncomfortable feeling can be made so much worse by the thick heavy cream they give! but this wasnt heavy at all.

The menthol starts off very slowly and builds up to become more cooling over time which is nice, i will say this is something that shouldnt go near your face or neck, one its just not meant for that and two the smell of menthol to close to your nose isnt fun for anyone! I first tried it on one of the last hotter days we had of summer and the cooling feeling is really nice, and it does as promised soothe an itch and make you less likely to scratch your skin into shreds!

I suffer with heat rash and just dry skin on my collarbone area and this helped calm that down really quickly, which was lovely because that can be a troublesome area for me a lot.

All in all ive been rather impressed with this, its helped soothe and calm my pissed off skin really nicely! suu balm starts from £13.50, and they also do a kids version which starts at £9.95.

I was sent this product to review, this does not effect my opinion.

Revolution Skincare.

Hey there! so a few weeks ago i showed you the revolution haul i made as soon as there skincare line came out, of course because its skincare i needed to give it a test for a few weeks but now ive given it all a good try i can tell you what i think!

Revolution skincare is following the trend that started with the ordinary, affordable budget serums with ingredients you would normally have to pay way more for. In true form of revolution, they have brought out a range of skincare quite a like to what the ordinary offers, considering the issues with the ordinary of course everyone is hoping that the revolution line is a good replacement.

Pricing & packaging starts them off well, the serums are £6, the oils are £10 and the gel-cream is £8. It is in simple boxes and the actual products are in glass feeling slightly frosted glass unless you go gel-cream thats in a jar.

Personally, i love this kind of skincare i like being able to use what my skin needs at that moment in time, i like the fact that its so affordable too, i wouldnt be able to afford a lot of this otherwise!

So, onto the actual products!

im sorry theres no pictures of the actual product by the way, i forgot to take pictures of that and its raining!

So first up we have the skin blemish and pore refining serum with 10% niacinamide and 1% zinc £6.00. This is meant too help gently tackle blemishes, making them seem calmer and also to ease what is causing the skin to have a fit in the first place!

This is a super light serum, it sinks in very quickly and feels like nothing on the skin. I used this over that time of the month when i had a lot of very big sore hormonal spots, i applied it every morning and every evening and i did find that the spots i had healed much faster than normal and it seemed to help prevent any new ones pop up! Ive also had some pop up which im guessing are stress related, and yet again this serum as really helped heal them quicker than normal, its one of those things i think is always a good idea to have on hand in case your skin has a bit of a fit.

Next up is the Skin nourishing CBD oil £10.00, this is one of two facial oils that they make. I am a big fan of rosehip oil so i was going to pick that up but when i spotted the CBD oil i couldnt resist trying it! So the CBD is meant to be soothing, calming and nourishing and it really is, id say its a very classic facial oil. It feels like a nice layer of comfort basically on your skin, especially nice when your skin feels rather pissed off! ive really liked using this, its a basic facial oil but basic in the nicest sense of the word, a staple for sure for me at least now!

Next up we have the Mild skin exfoliator 5% lactic acid + hyaluronic acid £6.00, this is meant to be a mild skin exfoliator that helps improves the look of skin texture combined with hyaluronic acid to help hydrate and plump up the skin. I really, really like this, so much! i hadnt tried anything lactic acid based before, i like how mild this is but it still feels effective, when it hits any open spot you get a little bit of a sting but obviously that makes sense considering these acids should help eat away at the bacteria in the spots! but with the hyaluronic acid in this serum that helps deliver the lactic acid very so very gentle which is nice.

Lastly we have the plumping & hydrating solution  – 2% hyaluronic acid £6.00, i think everyone and there mother knows what hyaluronic acid is these days, and it helps hydrate and plump the skin. I love hyaluronic acid serums and this one has become a staple for me, its very like and hydrating and so easy to use, no issues with this what so ever! i really like it.

So in total, i adore all of the serums and oil i have tried and i really want to try the others, i am a big fan of these for sure (can you tell?) and i would highly suggest anyone who would like to, to give them a go!

Cath x

Emotionally Broken – Is it time to forgive myself?

Hey there! so over the past few weeks things have finally been moving forward, i was on the waiting list for over a year to have therapy with something called Italk. They are half NHS half charity and they offer therapy and other help to those who need it, i had CBT with them back in 2015/2016. It really helped me then, we worked on getting me out the house, but i need a hand again, ill be starting therapy with them in 2 weeks and this time we are going to be looking at and working on my self esteem.

My self esteem as always been a rather big issue for me, honestly for as long as i can remember my self esteem has sucked big time. Ive always struggled with how i think about myself and how i view myself, but has time as gone on and ive had so many mental health issues my self esteem has continued going down to the point were i basically just dont have self esteem.

This effects me in a lot of ways, because with whatever im doing in recovery theres always a voice that says im not worth recovery or that i dont deserve to recover. And of course, my rational side knows thats bullshit and that everyone deserves to have a chance at what they want in life but anxiety isnt rational or logical!

So is it time i finally stopped listening to the voice that just likes to spout rubbish, and forgave myself? Because ive heavily laid all the blame for pretty much everything thats got me to this point at my own feet, and you know im thinking that maybe needs to stop. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, but i do need too stop over thinking what got me into this situation and move forward, stop blaming myself for this when its not my fault.

The way i see it is that throughout our lives we are dealt cards, and sometimes people get aces, kings queens and jacks and then some people get jokers. We dont always get the same cards, but we have to deal with what we are dealt, and its not my fault if ive had a string of bad luck.

so maybe its time i understand that and stop seeing myself as an enemy? finally say that im sorry to myself, because maybe if i finally take the steps to liking myself, or even just being some what ok with myself i will be happy with helping myself? i feel like its worth a try.


Dear me,

Im sorry.

Im sorry for blaming you for things you couldnt control, im sorry for letting things happen that shouldnt as a punishment. Im sorry for not looking after you and im sorry ive been so mean to you, that changes now.

Love, me.

Cath x

Whats in my handbag?

Hey there! so i bet you havent seen one of these posts in a while? Whats in my handbag posts and videos were all the rage for years, but now a days you dont see them so often. Personally though, i really enjoy seeing them! so come have a look in my handbag.

My handbag itself is from kipling, i dont thing this model is sold anymore though sorry! i got it for Christmas a couple of years ago now, and i really love it. It was my first “proper” handbag, you know, one that isn’t from primark? I really like it, and its held up so very well!

so first things up, my purse! i got my purse for my birthday last year, it is also kipling, its not the same print but its not too far off, as my old one had been falling apart! its really nice with a lot of slots and pockets for what you need, mine has my ID (shudder), various cards like my bank card, boots card, library card, superdrug card etc. Plus a lottery ticket from may, a couple of receipts and a fiver!

Next up is a little bag of pads, the bag is one that you get in pink parcel, i love these things.
my camera didnt like the black bag!

Another bag within a bag, Is another kipling item! i got this for my birthday last year as well with the purse, this has my name on it and one of the classic little monkeys kipling has on there stuff (hes called daniel!). This is a multi-pocket bag i keep a lot of things in, currently its a little bare but it contains –

Strawberry & raspberry antibacterial hand gel from superdrug.
The body shop hand cream in grapefruit.
Wet ones in be zingy.
17 cheeks brush.
CBT flash pack from years ago i feel weird not having.
Blotting sheets.

Its that bag that i think a lot of us have, the “what if?” bag!

Then for the stuff i have without a bag, i have my perfume lady gaga fame, ive worn it for years now and i really adore it, even if i bought it at first because of the fact its black!

I always have a hair serum floating around, currently the one in my bag is the Dove regenerate nourishment serum in oil, its alright but its not really a favourite sadly. I am always looking for the perfect serum, and i am yet to find one! And finally my hair brush, because thats one of those things you always need.

Well there you go! i hope you enjoyed having a look into my handbag, is there something you think im missing?

Cath x

no7 nourishing cleansing balm.

Hey there! So in my boots haul last week one of the things i picked up was the No7 nourishing cleansing balm £13.00, as a lot of products were on 3 for 2, and i was very interested in trying a different cleansing balm! i do love a good cleanser, especially a budget one.

This cleansing balm promises “radiant and healthier looking skin in 1 week”, with No7s tri-vit complex and grapeseed oil. It is what i would call a rather “basic” cleanser, but you know at least its not full of mineral oil!

As you can see, its in a nice big pot and it looks like your normal balm cleanser, waxy but put a little pressure on it and you can scoop some up. The cleanser feels really buttery as soon as you pick some up, it feels silky and really nice to touch, not gritty in the slightest! It smells clean, it does have a smell but its just clean and fresh not really over powering or annoying in anyway for me at least.

It melts super quickly in your hands and it feels really nice on the skin, its got plenty of slip to it and you can easily massage everything off. Makeup wise, it removes everything no problem but a lot of mascara would likely need a different remover, but i tend to do it that myself all the time anyway, i wouldn’t use this on my eyes unless i had too but i feel the same about every balm or oil cleanser. It doesn’t leave any residue when removed with a warm flannel (it comes with a muslin cloth but no thanks).

Honestly this is a pretty short review but i dont have much more to say! this is a really nice, staple balm cleanser that is one of those cleansers i can see myself keeping in my stash at all times. I would highly suggest giving it a go next time theres a sale or offer on!

Cath x

I cant stay awake, and the doctors think its normal.

Hey there! so i had another post planned for today but things have happened that has made me want to talk about something that ive kept on the quiet side for a while now, but i want to speak about it so that anyone else in my situation knows they are not alone.

So almost a year ago now i started randomly falling asleep at my desk, it didnt seem like a big deal at first, just that every now and then i would wake up at my desk. I thought it wasnt a big problem and i was just being a bit silly not sleeping enough, but it continued to happen becoming more and more common, even if i had hours and hours of sleep the night before. 6 months down the line, it was becoming almost a daily occurrence that i would at some point wake up at my desk.

And this was the thing, i never had a warning, never felt sleepy or like i was going to fall asleep, just one minute i was awake and the next i was waking up. I got really bad pretty fast, and i was soon passing out regularly for anywhere between 5 minutes to 2 hours, i would go out at any point, even when speaking or playing a video game, sat on the edge of my bed and waking up falling off onto the floor was also not the most fun id ever had.

So when i saw my doctor next, i mentioned it too her i explained how i had a friend with narcolepsy and a lot of my issues lined up with hers, but i did understand that it could be sleep apnoea too though i didnt really seem to fit the daytime sleepiness of that. But of course, due to my weight my doctor said sleep apnoea straight off the bat, especially when i said i snore and said she would “look into” going to a sleep clinic and let me know before i next saw her, of course she didnt.

3 months down the line, and i am really struggling, ive not been able to do things due to passing out, ive passed out on hair brushes and the marks that i get on my arms begin to be amusing, i have to find a sliver lining somewhere right? i fall off my bed again, and now i even pass out while i sit down waiting for things to cook, resulting in a number of burnt meals. I dream really vividly when i pass out, confusing my already confused brain when i wake up. I turn to caffeine to try and stay awake and it helps a little, but not has much as i need.

Back to the doctors i go, and she hasnt looked into sleep clinics of course but she has a questionnaire that should show if im within normal levels of “sleepiness” (i explained a number of times that i never felt sleepy). I do the questionnaire but so many of the questions either dont apply to me (for example, would you fall asleep at work when i dont work) or they are ones like would you fall asleep in a moving car, when for me personally cars have sent me to sleep since i was a baby. After this questionaire she says i am within normal levels, and any problems i am having will fix themselves once i loose weight, she does do my oxygen levels (which would be effected if i had sleep apnoea) and they are completely normal, so she sends me on my way.

This was 2 days ago, and i was stunned, are you freaking kidding me? so passing out for hours at a time with no idea its happening and falling over is normal? im never normal, and this is certainly no exception. I came out of the doctors really annoyed and upset.

Now in a bid to try and get back on track i wanted to try and get out of the village for the first time since may on friday. So i go to bed early, i get up and i start getting ready and im sat at my dressing table doing my makeup when the next thing i know its over an hour later and im coming around and god i just wanted to scream. being out for that long meant i had ran out of time, because i can only leave the house with my mum and she works a split shift by the time i had finished getting ready i wouldn’t of made it out leaving enough time for her to rest and get to work on time. I am so fucking upset and frustrated that its effecting me to this point yet the doctor deemed it “normal”.

I dont know why i haven’t spoken about too much until now, but i think it about time so that anyone else suffering like this knows they are not alone in this extremely frustrating situation. I plan to go see another doctor, and hope that i am listened too this time, fingers crossed!

Cath x

Boots bonus points offer haul.

Hey there! so a week or so ago boots had a offer on because it was the 21st anniversary of the advantage card, so they were doing 21 points per pound spent! yes please! you had to spend over £60. But lets face it that isnt exactly a hard thing to do! i had a couple of things i needed, but the rest i picked up because i wanted to try them and/or thought they would be good for the blog, so here it all is!

So first up is all the face, body and hair care that i picked up! this is where i spent my bulk, ill be honest.

i picked up two bottles of the zingy mango and papaya shower gel  75p, i am very fond of cheap good smelling shower gel! but so is everyone else that shares my bathroom, so lots of bottles it is.

Nail polish remover £1, because well i needed it.

boots smooth care hair removal cream £3.49, because same reason.

i picked up two skincare products from soap & glory, ive tried both of these before but a while ago now! i picked up the soap & glory peaches and clean deep cleansing milk £8.00 and the soap & glory speed plump overnight miracle moisture mousse £14.00. The cleansing milk was my go to morning cleanse and second cleanse for over a year years ago, and i am so happy to have it back! its a wonderful cleanser, feels lovely on the skin but has that extra zing to it. The mousse has a lovely almost butter like texture to it, and sinks in so well, im glad to have these back!

I grabbed another tube of the garnier skin active matcha detox face mask £5.99, this is such a lovely face mask for when you want a deep clean for your skin. my skin is stressed and hormonal right now and this mask felt wonderful on, its cooling and feels like its doing something, maybe it doesnt but it feels good! and my previous tube was down to the last drops.

Garnier ultimate blends coconut oil treatment mask £4.99, how many of these have i had in blog posts now? i love these masks.

No7 nourishing cleansing balm £13.00, thanks to the hashtag #carolinehironsmademedoit and the skincare freaks facebook group my skincare obsession is right back into swing! i tend to swing between makeup and skincare, skincare it is at the minute, i was doing the 3 for 2 items thing and i spotted that this was one of the options and scooped it straight up. always looking for good budget balm and oil cleansers!

so onto the makeup i bought! the masqd sponge was a free gift when you buy kind of thing, will be interesting to try.

i spent ages looking at various makeup items, always going back to NYX as i so often do! they have this really cool gothic looking collection at the moment but after looking at everything i just knew i had too much like it or i wouldnt use it. I got my heart set on a blusher, and then i spotted this and i was sold, its the NYX ombre blush in codebreaker £9.00, a really bright purpley pink mixed with a purple.

I needed a new black pencil liner so i picked up this one from NYX  the slide on eye pencil £6.50, ive only swatched it but its very creamy!

finally, if you have followed beauty news for a while you would know that boots own brand 17 was discontinued a few months ago. But i found that some of there items were still on the website with a very heavy discount! I was very excited to find that the 17 staytime concealer in extra fair was there, for 90p! so i picked up three of them, obviously.

I also spotted a shadow for £1 in purple, so i couldnt leave that now could i?

Anyway thats everything i picked up! ive been spending a lot lately, i need to rein it back a bit, she says!

Cath x

Revolution skincare & brush haul.

Hey there! so as i have mentioned and shown before, im quite a fan of revolution (originally makeup revolution) and all of there sister brands (obsession, freedom etc). Revolution, obsession and freedom take up the most room in my collection for sure, so when i heard that revolution were bringing out a line of skincare, well you know that gif of the little girl throwing money out the window? me towards revolution! i knew that i had to try it, and placed an order as soon as it came out.

I also picked up 2 things in the sale (again!) while i was at it, i picked up the obsession trend sets weapon of choice brush set £5.00, i have a thing for brushes at the moment and im really impressed with these! they may have been a complete nightmare to photograph but they are so soft! i just wanna sit and touch them….thats a bit weird but hey ho!

I also picked up the revolution pro cleanse brush tool £2.00, continuing on my never ending quest to get my brushes as clean as i can get them!

Anyway, on to the good stuff right? i picked up four of the serums on offer, now the skincare they have launched has serious the ordinary vibes but seeing as i love revolution so much i would love if they were as good or even better than the ordinary!

When i saw the revolution skin blemish and pore refining serum 10% niacinmide + 1% zinc £6.00 i was very curious. I tend to suffer with hormone related breakouts across my chin and jaw pretty much all month long but it gets rather awful and pops up in random places around my face when my period actually hits so i thought this would help with that! again theres no scent and nothing bad about it yet, but reviews will be incoming!

Next thing i bought i was very curious about the minute i saw it, the revolution skin nourishing CBD oil £10.00. The oils in the range are the most expensive thing right now, i have used and loved rosehip oil before (the other oil in the range) but when i saw CBD i had to try it! CBD has been everywhere lately, and i loved the sound of it for my skin too, meant to be nourishing and calming, so far ive found it smells like nothing and theres nothing bad about it yet.

There was no question i would pick up the skin plumping and hydrating soluation 2% hyaluronic acid £6.00, i really loved the hyaluronic acid i tried from the ordinary so i really wanted to see if i could find a replacement and i think i have so far! reviews and overview is coming but i really like it right now.

The last thing i picked up is the revolution mild skin exfoliator 5% lactic acid + hyaluronic acid £6.00, now i spoke last week about acid exfoliators and i showed that all the ones i have are glycolic based, i really wanted to give one a go thats one a different acid and two in a serum! so far my skins been fine with it, only notable thing is that is smells like chocolate? weirdly!

So there you go! my revolution haul of brushes and there new skincare, a overview of the skincare and reviews of each product will be incoming once ive had time to test it all. so look out for that!

Cath x